to be continued
by emryses
Summary: this is a collection of love and hate's daughter trilogy spinoffs. updates to this are completely random, depending on both time and plot bunnies. latest chapter: ...is a drapple & lina/chocolate crackfic, but i promise it's the only crackfic in the collection so far.
1. taking on tokyo (for lily)

**taking on tokyo**

 **a/n: hi my loves! this takes place right after chapter 45 of meaning of life! we are revisiting my four and a half-year baby (if there are still any lingering readers left, lol). this can be read as a draco/oc standalone, but barely. their characterizations, references, and attitudes towards each other will definitely make much more sense if you've read the love and hate's daughter trilogy. i tRIED to be as real about tokyo as possible via tripadvisor but if some things are inaccurate im sorry lmao.**

 **for lily! who has been there for me since the series debuted in 2014, and continues to be there long after it's finished, even after my many,** _ **many**_ **fanfic phases where people have come and gone. cheers to nearly half a decade (wow we're old sdhfbjsjksdh) of friendship!**

 **wc 3617**

* * *

 **Lina**

A _knock_ sounds on the door of my small cottage, and I take a breath, rubbing my head a bit. The hangover that was a result of the huge graduation party from last night was definitely still there, and part of me resents Draco for even daring to make the vacation the day right after it.

I make my way to the door, opening it to reveal my boyfriend, who was smirking for some reason.

"What're you smirking at, ferret?" I ask him, narrowing my eyes.

"You _really_ have no idea what happened last night, do you flower?" asks Draco, raising an eyebrow, before bursting into laughter.

"What on earth are you going on about?" I hiss.

"You got up on top of a table in the Three Broomsticks," he deadpans, "And declared your ever undying love for me in a song."

I look at him for a moment, and my eyes widen in horror. "I - I would never do such a thing!" I exclaim in fury, "You're just making shit up now!"

"I swear on the River Styx that you did it. You just _couldn't_ resist me," he adds smugly, and I scream in fury, Accio-ing my cell phone and flipping it open to dial Hermione's number.

"Oh hey, love, have you guys reached Tokyo yet?" Hermione's voice comes out from the phone.

" _Mione, did I sing undying love for Draco Malfoy in the Three Broomsticks last night?"_

The laughter from Hermione's end said it all, and I take a breath, counting to three.

"Why didn't you stop me?" I ask her.

"Erm...oops? Oh, Harry and Ron wanted to," she says. "But I stopped them. It was downright hilarious, and -"

"I'm going to hang up on you." I cut her off by clicking the end call button, and turn to Draco, who was practically on my floor laughing.

"Fuck you," I say bluntly, before grabbing my packed suitcase from two days before. "I should cancel this whole thing."

* * *

When we Apparate over together, we land in an abandoned alley, and it looked to be nighttime. "Weird area," I comment. "You chose _this_ of all places to Apparate us to?"

"How'd it look to muggles if I just Apparated us in the middle of a busy Tokyo street?" he retorts.

I open my mouth to ask _where the fuck are we,_ but all that came out was vomit, straight in the middle of a weird as hell alley. That Apparition teacher from sixth year had a point; Apparating, especially to far distances, should _not_ be done during a hangover.

Draco rubs my back as I continue the painful process. "I warned you not to drink too much last night, flower," he sighs.

"Since when did I actually ever listen to you?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

He sighs. "What will I do with you, Lina?"

I smile sweetly and shrug. With a flick of my wand, I clean up the vomit. We leave the alley and walk into a busy Tokyo sidewalk, and I marvel at all the large buildings.

"It's beautiful," I gush, my eyes wide.

"More beautiful than me?" he teases.

"Are you kidding? I'd trade you for these buildings at any moment," I say cheerfully, as I was beginning to skip down the sidewalk.

He chuckles, before he catches up to me. "Flower, according to this map, the hotel we're staying in? It's _the other_ way."

My face turns red, before I immediately turn around. "I knew that," I say.

He snorts with skepticism.

The two of us keep walking, bickering, and exploring the city, when I notice this group of Japanese girls outright staring at Draco with longing and whispering rapidly amongst themselves. As one of them was about to approach him, I reach for his hand and cast her a terrifying glare that made her quickly retreat to her friend group.

"So you _do_ have undying love for me," he smirks, raising an eyebrow.

"You wish," I hiss. "I just didn't like them."

"Sure you didn't," he scoffs. I reach over to punch him in the arm, which he dodges.

We continue walking along the streets, and this Japanese guy starts giving _me_ the longing look. Draco's response was to pull me close and start kissing me passionately, and after we pull away, he did his signature eyebrow raise at the guy, who turned away immediately.

"You call _me_ the jealous one," I scoff. "All that to just scare off _one_ guy."

"Well I have to protect what's mine, after all," he says, squeezing my hand.

"Smooth," I note simply as we continue walking.

* * *

"Welcome to Aman Tokyo!" a bellhop immediately greets us. You could easily tell that English was his second language due to how shaky the English was. "How may I help you two?"

"We have a reservation," I say, handing him our reservation card.

He takes it and scans it. "Ah yes…" He then gives us a skeptical look. "You know, this hotel is...expensive. Are you sure that you two will be able to afford the price demands?"

"Why _wouldn't_ we be able to afford the price demands?" asks Draco.

He hesitates. "I don't know…" he trails off, clearly uncomfortable. "The both of you look a little...young."

"Do you _want_ our money or not?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

"Of course, of course…" I quickly pull out the yen we gathered together a couple days ago to give to the bellhop.

"Thank you, ma'am. Why don't you two go up and see if the room's to your liking?" says the bellhop. "Oh, and there may be a problem with - nevermind, go and enjoy."

"A problem with _what_ exactly?" asks Draco, raising an eyebrow. "We don't want unpleasant surprises."

"A problem with the juice dispenser," he finishes off, giving us a strained smile. "It'll all be right-as-rain tomorrow. Go and enjoy."

We give each other odd looks before walking to the elevators.

* * *

It was 3am, and I was listening to some Japanese romcom with English subtitles while Draco was sound asleep beside me. The main guy in this romcom was apparently involved with...twenty women?

"The mice…they're coming for me…they want to eat me..." I snort and turn to where Draco was talking in his sleep, moving restlessly.

"Just keep running," I tell him, turning my attention back to the romcom. "You'll escape from them eventually."

"But my flower, if I continue running, there'll be a cliff!" he exclaims desperately.

"Well, a cliff is less dangerous," I advise. He rolls straight off the bed, and I wince, crawling on the bed to peer down at him. He was still snoring, so I shrug and turn back to the romcom to see what was happening.

* * *

"Why was I on the floor last night?" fumes Draco, as I groggily sit up in bed the next morning.

"You were talking in your sleep. Saying how mice were going to come and eat you," I deadpan. "You said the other option was a cliff, and I said that was better than getting eaten. Then you just rolled straight off the bed."

"And you didn't think about...oh, I don't know... _getting me off the floor?"_ he hisses.

"I mean, it was 3am, and you were sleeping pretty peacefully," I say cheerfully, "I wouldn't want to interrupt it."

"What the fuck were you even doing _up_ at 3am?" he wonders.

"Love, they have _really_ interesting romcoms in Japan," I say emphatically, and he rolls his eyes at me. "I should tell Hermione and Blaise about the mice thing."

His eyes glint as he looks at me. "I wouldn't do that if I were you, flower, because I have things about you at night that'd make _anybody_ squirm."

My mouth opens wide as he heads for the bathroom to take a shower. " _Fuck,"_ I say breathlessly.

* * *

"Are you _sure_ taking a muggle tour bus is a good idea?" Draco hisses. "We could just Apparate to all the must-sees."

"We don't know all the possible alleys in Tokyo to Apparate to," I hiss back. We'd just finished breakfast - not that we had any idea how to work any of the breakfast machines, it would've been a disaster if it weren't for this nice lady. "This place is huge. Plus, it wouldn't be as _scenic."_

"Welcome to Japan Panoramic Tours!" the driver says, interrupting our argument. "Enjoy a scenic view of the entire city, complete with explanations of how they originated."

More people were coming on the bus, and we were joined by a cheerful looking young couple who were both blonde. They were both smiling. They looked a _bit_ older than us, but not by much. A five-year gap at the largest.

"Hi!" says the blonde woman cheerfully. "My name's Sally, and this is my fiance, Billy. We're here on vacation to tour _everything_ Tokyo has to offer! We have two cats, a dog, and a baby on the way. She smiles at us, and Billy waves at us, also smiling. "Who are you? What are your names? I want to learn all about you!"

"We're in love," adds Billy, smiling like an idiot.

" _So_ in love," agrees Sally sweetly, as they kissed.

Draco and I look at each other, and back at the overly cheesy couple, silently wondering if it'd be too rude to put the headphones for the tour on and ignore them.

"I'm Lina, that's my boyfriend Draco," I say flatly.

"What unusual names," frowns Sally.

Draco scowls at her. "At least our names don't sound like a nursery rhyme."

I was on high alert; who knows? The Wizarding World is a barrier from monsters. I'm not in it anymore…

"Isn't he delightful?" I say sarcastically, giving them a small smile and a little laugh. "Anyways, you guys should enjoy your time, not deal with his sour mood. We should be going now," I say, grabbing his arm and moving us to different seats just as the bus starts moving.

"We're no longer in the Wizarding World," I say lowly to Draco. "Making me fair game to monster attacks. You can see through the mist, right? Don't those people look and sound weird? Look, they're still staring at us." Billy and Sally were indeed looking at me. Hungrily.

"I'm noticing it. The very first stop, love, we're going to get off," he says, calmly. "And we're going to Disapparate to the second stop and get back on. They won't be able to do Apparating."

I love how innocent he sounded. The git had _no idea_ how monsters worked, did he? He thought he could easily protect me from them. Oh well. I'll go along with him until I eventually have to confront them.

We distract ourselves by looking at all the pretty scenery Tokyo had to offer, before we decide to get off at an exquisite shopping mall. Billy and Sally got off there too. For a split second I stare at the mall longingly, before Draco roughly grabs my arm to snap me out of it. " _Lina!_ We don't have time to go shopping!" he snaps.

We grab hands and walk off, watching Billy and Sally walking innocently behind us, acting as if they were normal tourists. Then we duck into an alley, and I flick my wand, issuing a nonverbal _Protego._

We quickly look at our Tokyo map and Disapparate, landing in an different alley. We were about to leave the alley, but we were stopped. Billy and Sally had somehow followed us here.

"You think you and your boyfriend can run away from us with your petty magic?" Sally smiles.

"We're so friendly," adds Billy, looking offended. "I don't know why you would ever want to do such a thing, Alina."

"Do whatever you want with me, but leave my boyfriend alone, he only wanted to take me on a vacation," I say, my voice shaking.

Billy and Sally laugh, before their laughs grew lower and lower. Together, the two of them made a full _empousa._

"How do we fight the thing?" asks Draco.

"Shoot harmful spells at it," I say, my voice trembling. "I'm going to sneak behind as quick as I can and stab the thing."

The first spell he shot at the empousa was _Crucio._ Clearly it had the same effect on monsters as well as humans, because the empousa screamed in pain. I quickly went for the stab, and it went to dust.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper, sobbing. "I...I haven't had a monster attack in _years._ I thought it'd all be fine and well. I ruined our vacation!"

"You didn't ruin anything," he soothes, hugging me. "Besides, we made a pretty good team in getting rid of the thing, didn't we?"

I take a breath. "I suppose, but...you _do_ realize what you signed up for when you decided to go out with me, right? I don't want to put you in unnecessary dangers."

He takes me and pulls me into a kiss. "Of course I did. I love you, Lina, and always will. Now...how about that shopping trip?"

* * *

Being the shopaholics we are, we were carrying numerous shopping and souvenir bags each as we finally step into the Aman Tokyo and to the elevators to get back into our suite.

"What was our floor number again?" I yawn.

"11, I think," says Draco.

"You _think?"_ I ask, before I press the 11 button. We watch the windows as the elevator goes up, and then it stops. Suddenly, all the buttons went dark.

"That's...that's not good," I say softly, my face paling.

Draco pulls out his wand. " _Alohomora."_ The elevator opens, and instead of a hotel floor, all we see is blackness. " _Fuck."_

We look at each other in panic, before we run to the other side of the elevator, pounding on the glass and hoping somebody at the lobby looks up. "HELP US!" Nobody was listening to us. Draco continues trying to get help while I pull out my cell.

"Hi, Mione, I'm just leaving a message on here, I know it's still pretty early back in the UK. I would just like to let you know, that I might not come back. You're my dear friend, and I love you very much. I'm going to be stuck in an elevator my whole life, and I'll be stuck with Draco of all people while I do so. Also, since there's no food and drink in here, my 'whole life' will probably be three days. We're -"

Draco took the phone from me, despite my protests. "Yes, hello Granger," he says. "Ignore her, we'll be fine. Bye. We're _not_ going to be stuck here for eternity," he adds to me.

"Have anyone from the lobby even noticed we were there?" I ask him, sighing.

"No," he says in resignation, "But I'm sure they'll notice one of their elevators stuck eventually."

" _Eventually?"_ I shriek, desperately pounding on the door. "You know what, I'll _make_ them listen to us!" I grab a piece of paper and a pen from my bag, and write in big letters,

 _IF YOU DON'T GET US OUT OF HERE, I'M GOING TO SUE THIS ENTIRE PLACE FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS._

"It's literally only been three minutes," says Draco.

"Three very long minutes," I say emphatically. "But I'll only put this up when we get really desperate."

We sat down for five minutes. I yawn again. "I'm so tired…"

"No wonder," he says sarcastically. "You were up until 3am last night apparently, watching Japanese romcoms and telling me to jump off cliffs."

"It was a good romcom," I pout. "I asked you at eleven if you wanted to watch it with me, but you told me to 'fuck off and get some sleep for once, Lina' and went to sleep on me."

"That's because you _never_ sleep unless we're between the hours of 3:30am in the morning and 2pm in the afternoon," he says through gritted teeth.

We glare at each other for a moment, before we realize that there's no way we can be trapped here together any longer. We both grab the million dollar sign and pound the door one more time.

The bellhop finally saw us, and his eyes widened. He made a gesture, probably that he was going to get help. _Hopefully._ Twenty minutes of agony later, and he finally opened the door.

"So sorry for the inconvenience," says the bellhop, wincing.

"Inconvenience?" I hiss. "We were _stuck_ in an _elevator_ for _half-an-hour!_ Do we know whether something like this will happen again?"

"This elevator will be put as out of order," he says, "So we know for sure that your stay will be far more pleasant than this."

"No. I'm not done with you yet! We have to get some sort of compensation for this," argues Draco, me nodding in agreement.

"I'm not afraid to sue this place," I add darkly.

"Uhh…" the bellhop says, at a loss for words. "You two can have...free breakfast for the rest of the stay, I'll take that part off your bill."

* * *

"Today's been far better than yesterday," I sigh, as we sit in Narisawa, which is said to be a really good restaurant. "There's been no weird monsters following us as we toured."

"There's been no elevator issues," Draco adds, and I chuckle.

"There's that," I chuckle, before I narrow my eyes. "Don't jinx it. We still haven't gotten back to the hotel yet, who knows…"

"Food," says the young waiter, interrupting us, placing a large plate of chicken teriyaki, sushi, pasta, and salad on the table for us, giving us two smaller plates to share them on. "Hope enjoy," he says, in a strong Japanese accent.

"Thank you," I say politely, as the waiter gives a bow. He then lingers, looking at me intently. He clears his throat, before turning to Draco. "Uh...he only friend, or…?'

Draco cuts him off. "No. He _boyfriend._ Back off."

The waiter bows, and leaves. "That must've been the three- _hundredth_ waiter that has hit on me ever since I've been old enough to be hit on," I roll my eyes.

"Well, I'll just have to let them all know that you're taken, won't I?" he says dryly. He hesitates a moment. "...Was that guy in Bulgaria…?"

"A waiter," I ask acidly, taking a bite of the pasta. "Mm-hmm."

The 'romantic' dinner was a little, no a _lot_ tense after that. Mostly because Draco thought it'd be nice to glare at almost _every_ waiter that passed by our table, causing me to glare at him in annoyance.

* * *

The next day, we'd gotten a taxi driver to drive us around the countryside, which was beyond beautiful. What we _didn't_ know, was that the taxi driver was a total pervert. He kept talking about various types of porn to us. It was downright creepy, but we mostly ignored him.

Now, we were waiting in line to go see the Skytree, which is apparently the tallest building in the world.

"This line is ridiculously long," I comment. We'd only been waiting for five minutes or so, but the line of people looked endless. And we were in the _express_ line. Looking at the normal one makes me wince. "We're definitely going to be here awhile…"

"Great," says Draco, sarcasm dripping in his voice.

"Might as well try and pass the time," I comment, before adding, "I've received an owl midday regarding how I'm to spend my time in Aurors training next year."

"And how might that be?" he asks.

I grin, "Harry, Ron, and I all are going to spend our practical experiences requirement hours with Sirius!"

"So...what I'm hearing is that you're all going to die early?" he snorts, raising an eyebrow.

I elbow him so hard that he nearly falls over. " _Don't_ insult Sirius Black in front of me," I hiss, my eyes narrowed.

"You can't deny he's a little bit reckless. And so are you. And Potter. And the Weasel," points out Draco, but I had my arms crossed and staring in the other direction. He sighs in annoyance as the line moves considerably quickly, before halting suddenly. "How long are you going to ignore me for?"

I still didn't say anything, and he sighs in resignation. I continue to ignore him for the next fifteen and so minutes.

"If I give you chocolate, would you consider talking to me again?"

"I'll _consider_ it," I say evenly.

We were finally able to go up to the tower via an elevator, and there were like a hundred people in the elevator. We were all squashed on top of each other. I furrow my brow. " _Exactly_ how much cologne did you put on today?" I question Draco.

"I could _definitely_ ask the same with you and your perfume," he retorts back at me. When we finally get out of the tower, I was breathless. The sight of the entire city of Tokyo was staring down below at us, and it was beautiful. _No,_ it was _beyond_ beautiful. I voice my thoughts aloud as I walk closer and closer towards the window.

"It really _is_ beautiful," he agrees, before smirking, "But not as beautiful as you."

"You're seriously trying to make me forget that I'm still pissed at you," I say, trying to hide the blush on my face. "It's a miracle that we're almost through with the vacation and we're still both in one piece."

"We did it," he says sardonically. "We almost made it through one whole trip without killing each other."

"Who's to say we can't make it through one whole relationship?" I add, as our lips collide.

* * *

 **a/n: i'm bad at fluff but i tried lmao. i hope you loved it, love 3**

* * *

 **hogwarts prompts**

 **writing club -**

 **assorted appreciation - 29. write about an important moment in someone's life**

 **liza's loves - 1. write about a slytherin**

 **angel's arcade - 4. harley quinn - (dialogue) "i'm not done with you yet!"**

 **bex's basement - 2. where you gonna run to? i really wanna follow you.**

 **film festival - 12. (action) hiding from someone**

 **seasonal -**

 **feb 14 - write a romance, the fluffier the better**

 **birthstones - turquoise - (dialogue) "erm...oops?"**

 **christmas cake - write fluff**

* * *

 **please r &r :)**

 **-ana**


	2. secret of the money (for lily)

**secret of the money**

 **a/n: to** **lily** **since you inspired this! happy early FIVE YEAR anniversary, love! (i'll be out of town and unavailable to write/post during the actual august 2 date, oof.) i just can't believe it's been nearly half a decade since we've met. cheers to you. ily. this is based on both an instagram post and the trilogy. it looked like a tumblr post, but the original poster was someone called hannah yang.**

 **(takes place a week or so before luke's birth). lina is from my series. arturus and valentina are made up by me entirely. i do not claim anyone else. (lucius malfoy I is actually a character in the hp wikia, with lucius malfoy being his descendant).**

 **warning-** **there are two criteria to be able to understand this fic: you should've read the trilogy, and your name is probably lily or celia. the rest of you will think i'm insane. don't ask. yes, i know what i did. i know why you would think that. enjoy x**

* * *

"Hey, where did all the Malfoys get their money from, anyway?"

Over the past week, Draco had to deal with a lot of shit thrown at him by heavily pregnant Lina, who was on maternity leave from the Aurors. This included somehow her having an even _shorter_ temper than usual, as well as her having the weirdest cravings ever known to man. He was absolutely _horrified_ to literally have to put chocolate ice cream in a hamburger (and she was too, about an hour later). Once, she craved her friend Hazel's food and they literally had to go to America _just to eat._

He wasn't, however, expecting _this_ question. He turned from his work papers and looked towards the couch where his girlfriend laid on, his eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean, flower?"

She crunched a chip loudly, pausing her television program to look at him. "The Weasleys are purebloods too, right? But you lot always treated them like _shit."_

"Well, we've always had the money," Draco told her, feeling more stupid by the minute.

"But _where_ did it come from? Money doesn't grow on trees," argued Lina. "You have to work for it."

Draco was left spluttering. He didn't have anything to say, and for some reason this made his increasingly erratic girlfriend happy. She burst into laughter, before she turned right back to her program.

Well, at least he wasn't being made to get elaborate craving food, so he'd take it. He blinked, turning back to his work.

* * *

Late that night, he lay in bed awake, thinking about her question. "You know, this is _your_ fault I'm up this late," he said to his sleeping girlfriend with clenched teeth.

She merely replied to him with a soft snore. _Insufferable._

 _Where did the Malfoy family get all their money?_ He'd always assumed that it was because they were always rich. His father was, and his father before him, and his father before _him_ , and so forth. Combine all that money with Lina's flow both as a war-veteran and an Auror, and they were automatically the richest couple in Wizarding Britain.

In fact, a lot of the Purebloods have been like that. Rich. He assumed it was merely because of their pure blood, but Lina was right - money did not grow on trees. And before they got war-veteran money, the Weasleys were always ridiculously poor, so there was that.

 _He'd stop by his mother's house tomorrow,_ he decided. _Maybe she would have an answer to this._

With that internal declaration, he went to sleep.

* * *

The next day, after work, Draco went to the Manor, knocking on the door.

"Draco, what a lovely surprise!" his mother smiled, hugging him tight and giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Tiffy, get me and my son some tea and cookies, please. Also, wrap some of the cookies up so he can take some home to his girlfriend."

"Right away, Mistress," the small house-elf in the living room bowed, before leaving.

He and his mother sat down on the couch together. "So, what brings you here? How's Lina doing? She's due with my grandchild soon, isn't she?"

"Flower's doing great, I _finally_ got her to go on maternity leave a couple of days ago," he chuckled. "Although sometimes I just want to give her back to the Aurors with her third trimester mood swings. Now she just stays at home and drives me insane."

His mother laughed loudly. "You know, I remember when I was pregnant with you. Near the due date I was a _mess._ A _mess._ I was craving all sorts of things, and I could barely say anything nice."

"Sounds like my Lina at the moment," said Draco dryly, before he took a breath. "Actually, yesterday, she brought up something that I just can't stop thinking about, and I was wondering if you could maybe shed some light on this."

"What is it, dear?" she asked, taking the tea and cookies from Tippy and offering him some. He took one, relishing the sweet taste of his mother's cookies.

"Well...she asked me...where the Malfoys got our money from. How we got rich. She just looked at me, and asked me. And I had absolutely no answer for her," he said.

His mother hesitated, "I think you're ready to know the secret."

"The secret?" he repeated.

"The secret of the money. The secret's been kept over the years by Purebloods who aren't consumed by greed, but it's starting to die out," she explained. "Your father was never ready to know. I didn't think _you_ would ever be ready to know. My mother told me, many years ago. I wasn't ever to tell anyone. _Ever,_ unless they were deemed ready. Before I talk any further, let me make my conditions clear. You are, in no circumstances, allowed to tell _anyone_ this. Friends. Family. I literally mean anyone. Not Lina. Not Blaise. Not Daphne. Not anyone else. Is that understood?"

Draco hesitated, but then again, he _really wanted to know._ He nodded.

She took a breath. "Here we go…"

* * *

' _She was a Slytherin in the seventeenth century. She had blonde hair, and blue eyes. The epitome of beauty. She was rumored to be descended from Veela. Her name was Valentina Rosier, and she had many boys head over heels for her._

 _Valentina had many flings during her years as a student, breaking hearts right and left. But she only got intense with two of them: Arturus Weasley, a Gryffindor, and Lucius Malfoy the first, a Slytherin as well as your ancestor. Note that at this time, both the Malfoys and the Weasleys had equal wealth and respect.'_

"You're saying that this secret is based on a _girl?"_ asked Draco, horrified. "The Weasleys were poor because of a _girl?"_

His mother looked equally horrified as she nodded, and continued,

' _I know you've had experiences with love triangles, but Valentina is far from Lina. She was a terrible person, and was an expert in manipulating men to get what she wanted, and she knew it. Seriously. This lady was terrible. Let me get into why._

 _One day, in their sixth year, Lucius got the courage to ask Valentina out. He went up to her and her friends, and he asked, "Valentina, would you go to Hogsmeade with me?" and she nodded vigorously, while knowing inside that he'd get her anything she'd ever yearned for there._

 _And the two went to Hogsmeade and had a good time, while Lucius showered Valentina with all sorts of gifts and knicknacks. He'd flaunt Valentina right in front of Arturus, who would seethe with jealousy._

 _Valentina, however, was also seeing Arturus on the side. Arturus caught Valentina's attention due to his looks and his unconditional love, and he was a respectable man. Once he found out Valentina and Lucius were together, he broke up with her, not feeling comfortable being the 'other guy'._

 _She was stoic about it. She merely said "okay," and went to sit next to Lucius, who kissed her. They happily dated for a couple months, and so. But one day, she grew sick of him. She wanted Arturus' love and affection. Arturus was her preference, he had_ always _been, but Lucius gave her nice gifts and more money._

" _Lucius and I are over. We're through. We've broken up. I know you still fancy me," Valentina told Arturus one day, cornering him in the hallway. She was coy as she talked._

 _Arturus nodded. "I've_ always _fancied you, love." The two then continued their physical and emotional relationship, but Valentina always acted cold towards him whenever Lucius was looking, and vice versa. She never actually broke up with Lucius, and she actually managed to be with both of them for six months without getting caught._

 _At the end of their seventh year, Lucius was the one to find out. He found Arturus and Valentina in a compromising position, at the top of the Astronomy tower._

" _What the bloody hell is this?" he snapped, and they pulled from each other to take on the gaze of a furious Lucius._

" _I thought you two broke up!" Arturus exclaimed, putting his hands in the air. "That's what she told me!"_

" _Why on earth would you tell him that?" Lucius hissed at Valentina, who now looked scared and uncomfortable._

" _Because I like him. I love Arturus. His personality is great, and his love..._ unconditional," _she gushed. Arturus, overwhelmed by the compliment, seemed to forget he was mad at his lover._

" _What about me? Was I not enough? I did everything for you, and you led me on!"_

" _I like your gifts," said Valentina, "They're oh, so pretty. You did, in fact, do everything for me."_

" _You only liked me because of my_ gifts?" _exclaimed Lucius, outraged. "You manipulated me. Led me on -"_

" _Who's it going to be?" interrupted Arturus softly, looking at Valentina. "You can't date both of us."_

 _Valentina took a breath, looking between the two of them. Then, she leaned in towards Arturus, sealing the decision._

 _Lucius seethed, looking at the both of them. "I guarantee you, you will pay for this. The whole Weasley family will_ pay _for this!" and with that, he stormed away. Valentina was unfazed, but Arturus looked worried. She noticed his worries and kissed him softly, causing him to smile.'_

"So _this_ is why the Weasleys were poor before the war?" asked Draco, raising an eyebrow. "Their downfall was because of some woman called Valentina?"

"Yes, and it gets weirder," winced his mother, as she continued,

 _'As a part of the Sacred families, Lucius was required to go to Arturus and Valentina's wedding, which happened two years after graduation._

 _He watched Valentina, accompanied by her father, walk down the lane. I_ swear, _there is something wrong with that woman. Once she got up there by Arturus, she looked straight at Lucius, and smirked at him, right as she said "I do!" As if he needed more of a reminder!_

 _After the wedding, Arturus and Valentina approached him. "There's no hard feelings between us, right?" he asked, amicably. Meanwhile, Valentina stood behind him, still smirking._

" _Of course not," said Lucius, managing a smile. He realized that Arturus Weasley was a good man. Valentina Weasley, however, was evil incarnate, and he decided that he'd make them both pay anyways. A little after that, Valentina enjoyed her post-Hogwarts life, was in high rich society, and had two sons and a daughter. Wanting desperately to please his restless wife, Arturus assumed Lucius' old role, giving her numerous gifts to make her happy as well as giving her all the love and attention. He served a narcissist wholly._

 _Lucius, however, was obsessed with all things economic. He married and had a son, but that was only because the Malfoys needed an heir. He preferred to stay to himself, in the business world._

 _For a couple of years, he experimented with the muggle economy. The gold-silver ratio was high. He took his galleons, melted them into gold, sold them to muggles, and bought a lot of pure silver. He exchanged them for galleons in the Wizarding World, and was suddenly twice as rich as before.'_

"Dear Merlin," gasped Draco. "Why don't people do it now?"

His mother sighed, "Well, now the ratio's even higher. But there have been some _major_ repercussions to this. Let's just say it involved a muggle finding out about our world, and now to protect our safety, it is considered treason among the Twenty-Eight to continue this, or let anyone else outside of their circle know. So the secret has just been passed down, in case a time comes where it is deemed safe to continue the practice."

' _Lucius decided that this would be how he gets revenge on spoiled Valentina and her husband-servant, Arturus. He told every single other Sacred Pureblood family how to maximize their money._ Except _the Weasleys. He threatened all of the other families that he'd take their money from them if they dare told the Weasleys._

 _Valentina wasn't an idiot. Her spending was getting more and more erratic, and while the other families, including her birth family, seemed to have a lot of money, she was the one running out. She demanded an explanation from Arturus. "Where's everyone getting their money from?" she screamed at him, "Why are we the only Sacred family running out?"_

 _Poor Arturus couldn't appease her. He was humble, he kept telling her that he didn't know how the other families had all this money. He meekly suggested that Valentina cut back a bit on the more exotic spending (she didn't need to go on vacation every week with her daughter and her girlfriends, and she didn't need the most lavish clothing), but she wasn't having it._

 _She divorced him, taking their only daughter with her, and moved back with her birth family, who knew the secret. She could spend as she pleased. The sad thing is that Lucius wanted to get back at Valentina, but she_ never _suffered. It was Arturus and his descendants who did. She left poor Arturus alone with their two sons. Now that Valentina was gone, Arturus budgeted, but even with that, his money would last him and his kids for a lifetime, but their descendents would have to_ work _to get money.'_

"That's the story of the crazy narcissist who made the Weasleys poor," she finished, grimacing.

"What a crazy woman," he shook his head. " _None_ of the Weasleys _still_ don't know about this? And you've just kept this secret for _years?"_

"Believe me, much more chaos would happen if they knew," she said, firmly. "Although if it ever becomes...safe...to do this again, we might let them know about the secret this time."

"Well, Mother, I can definitely say that when I came to see you, I was _not_ expecting this," he said dryly.

"And I wasn't expecting to tell the story either," she said, "It's funny to think it was all over some girl."

"Judging by half the stuff people make us read from that era, it's not all that surprising," he commented, and she laughed. "I'd better get back home to Lina-flower. The last time I saw her, she was throwing up all the chips she ate last night. I was surprised, she hasn't had morning sickness for a while. But...now, I know."

"Oh, poor thing. And now you know," she agreed, hugging him and giving him a kiss on the cheek goodbye. "And remember what I said. _Nobody else_ is to know."

He nodded, and she gave him one last hug, "Bye, Dragon, I love you. Update me on Lina's condition."

"Of course," he said, before he Disapparated to his home.

* * *

"So flower, if we have a girl, how about Valentina for a name?" asked Draco, raising an eyebrow. They were sitting on the couch together, watching a film.

"I refuse to let any kid of mine walk around being named _Valentina,"_ scoffed Lina, looking at him. "That's even more formal than Alina."

Draco stared at her for a moment. "Oh thank the _lord_ I dated well." He sighed, relieved, while she gazed at him with narrowed eyes.

"Would you happen to _know_ a Valentina?" she practically snarled at him.

"No, not at all," he said, quickly, leaning in for a kiss.

* * *

 **a/n: i hope you enjoyed this, love! ilysm! x**

 **please r &r :)**

 **-ana**


	3. war of the green crocs

**war of the green crocs**

 **a/n: here is yet another trilogy spinoff, and this one is starring dralina. the idea of telling purebloods that crocs are the finest muggle shoes comes from a tumblr post by darlinghogwarts, so i do not claim it. thank you to lily for texting with me as i wrote this and helping me sksks.**

 **warning:** **please do not eat or drink anything while reading this. enjoy x**

* * *

"You're home late today, flower," frowned Draco, giving his girlfriend a kiss as she arrived through the front door.

"I know, but I stopped by a store to buy you this," Lina motioned towards a bag she had.

He raised an eyebrow, "Oh? What's the occasion?"

She shrugged. "Nothing. Does there _have_ to be an occasion for me to give a gift to my boyfriend? Open it."

"Lina, you shouldn't have -"

" _Open it,"_ she insisted. He did so, and there were a pair of bright green shoes. They looked quite flimsy, and had holes in them. He'd never seen this style before.

"What _are_ these?" questioned Draco, holding the shoes up.

"Those, Draco," said Lina, a twinkle in her eyes, "Are _Crocs._ They are _the_ most high quality shoes among the Muggles. Only the richest and most respectable Muggles wear them, which is why they aren't seen around so often."

He gaped. "The _richest_ Muggles? You must've paid a fortune for these, you didn't have to-"

Lina cut him off with a kiss. "Only the best for you, love. Besides, we both have a lot of money, so this didn't really put much of a dent into things."

"Thank you. Thank you so much for these, flower," he said, sincerely.

Lina covered her mouth, stifling what seemed to be a cough. "Of course. You've been working so hard, you deserve these. Didn't you say you were going shopping tomorrow? You could wear these. Show those Muggles what a _Malfoy_ owns."

Draco smirked, "Can't wait," he said, giving her hand a squeeze.

* * *

Later that night, when he was asleep, Lina pulled out her phone and dialed Hermione's number, surprised to actually get an answer. "Mione, what are you doing up at 2am?"

"What are _you_ doing up at 2am, Lina?" was her retort.

"Well, that's a _normal_ thing for me. _You,_ on the other hand... I just wanted to let you know that Draco _actually_ thinks that Crocs are shoes that rich, respectable Muggles wear," whispered Lina, stifling her laughter as not to wake up her boyfriend.

"You're supposed to be in the _Golden Quartette!_ You're pure _evil!"_ cried Hermione, laughing through the phone.

"Mione, this was _your_ idea!"

"Yes, but I was _joking!_ I wasn't actually going to do it to Ron, I never said to _actually do it!"_ she gasped. "You're going to send the poor guy to the wolves tomorrow!"

"Draco thinks that I spent a fortune to get the Crocs. I only spent ten dollars," wheezed Lina. "He's going out into _M_ _uggle public_ tomorrow! You should've seen his face, he looked so smug about it!"

Uncontrollable laughter could be heard from Hermione's end of the phone. "I'm _so, so_ proud of you, Lina!" Ron's voice came through.

" _Ronald!_ I can't be associated with this evil prankery," she managed to get out. "I'm going to go for the night, love. Tell me _everything_ tomorrow!"

" _Me too!"_ added Ron.

"Of course," smirked Lina, hanging up and deciding to get some sleep.

* * *

"Are you _sure_ you don't want to go shopping with me, flower? Do you really need to go to the Ministry on _Saturday?"_

Lina stared at him, donned in his shiny new Crocs, with her lips pursed. "It's best I spend the day in the office, just this once. There's an important case we're all working on. _Here_ is your muggle money. I got it all exchanged yesterday. Enjoy some you time, love. Show off your new, rich, shoes."

"I certainly will," he said, taking the money and leaning down for a kiss and a hug. "Don't overwork yourself today. I'll come get you for dinner around six."

"Have fun!" she called gleefully, as he grabbed his bag and Disapparated.

When he was gone, Lina let herself laugh hysterically, literally on the floor. She _was_ evil. She finally managed to pull herself together, _Accio_ over her Auror robes, and Disapparate.

* * *

Draco reached a Muggle mall in London, called Westfield. Looking down to make sure his bright green Crocs were as shiny as ever, he sauntered inside.

Lina was right. The Muggles were _interested,_ and nobody was wearing any. He supposed nobody in this mall had that kind of money. As soon as he walked inside, Muggles left and right were gaping at his Crocs incredulously.

"Do you like my Crocs?" he called out smugly to a group of teenage girls openly staring at him. "My amazing girlfriend gifted them to me! It's a shame that you lot can't afford them."

One of the girls looked like she wanted to say something, but the other laughing girls stopped her, grabbing her arm as they all walked away. _What was so funny? They were probably just making him feel bad because they're jealous._

Draco decided that he was going to buy himself _another_ pair of Crocs, if this was how much attention he was going to get. He walked into a store that was fancy, according to Blaise. _Gucci,_ it was called.

"Welcome!" the lady said, eyeing his Crocs with apprehension. _Even_ people who worked at Gucci were jealous? Well, they did only work there. "Please feel free to look around, and I'm here if you need anything."

Draco looked around, finding a sleek red bag. "How much is this?" he asked.

"A thousand dollars," replied the lady, without skipping a beat.

"I'll take it," he said, relishing the surprised look on her face. "After all, I'm rich, as displayed by these Crocs, so I can provide the best and the best _only_ for my girlfriend. By the way, I didn't see any Crocs in the shoe section. Can I have a pair of your finest crocs?"

The woman frowned. "We don't _sell_ Crocs," she said.

"You don't sell Crocs?" exclaimed Draco, looking outraged. " _What kind of fancy store is this?_ My friend once said that this was one of the richest stores out there, and you don't sell Crocs? I guess you're not all that, after all!"

"I-" said the lady, "Are you still taking the bag?"

Draco put the bag back. "My girlfriend deserves better than _your_ bag," he sneered, before he stormed out of the shop. A thoroughly horrified employee was left behind.

He managed to secure Lina a bag from Louis Vuitton instead. They didn't have any shoes, so there was probably a reason _why_ there were no Crocs in that store.

* * *

Blaise was annoyed that he had to take a shift in the Ministry today, but at least it was over. He was going to leave but was stopped at the sound of a familiar voice,

" _And then_ I was like, these are the richest quality of shoes among the muggles!" He looked to see Lina, surrounded by a group of attentive Aurors on coffee break, including Potter and Weasley. "And he thought I _spent a fortune_ on them!"

The group of Aurors howled with laughter.

"And he seemed so smug about it too," Lina told the Aurors, who erupted in another round of laughter. "It was hilarious! Draco's out at the mall making a fool of himself in Crocs as we speak."

Blaise stopped in his tracks. Crocs? _Dear lord, she did_ not _send him out in those!_ He wasn't surprised, but this was probably the _lowest_ prank she'd done. He had to go to the mall and go get his friend before he could do anything else.

* * *

Draco decided to go into a men's store and get some outfits for himself. _Once again,_ there were no Crocs in the shoes section. But the outfits fit him well, so he went to the register to pay for them. Honestly. This entire mall is a cheap rip-off. _How_ could there be no Crocs?

The employee standing near the register was eyeing his Crocs. "Do you like them?" Draco asked, his voice smug. "Nobody seems to have these, or wear these - everyone here must be too poor to own them."

"If I may ask, sir, who gave you those?" asked the employee.

"My girlfriend did," he said, proudly. "She's amazing, she told me that she spent a fortune just to get these -"

"Your girlfriend told you that, huh?" asked the employee, as he scanned his clothes for him. "She sounds like a very interesting person, that's for sure."

"She is," said Draco, clueless, as he paid the bill and left the store. He continued walking. _Today was so successful,_ he thought to himself, as more and more Muggles were staring at him.

Suddenly, someone grabbed his arm, and before he knew it, he was facing Blaise in a slightly abandoned hallway.

"Blaise. What are you doing here?" greeted Draco, before he looked down at the Crocs. "Did you see my new, rich -"

"Draco," he said quickly. "Crocs are _not_ new and rich. They cost like, fifteen Muggle dollars tops. They are a Muggle _embarrassment._ That's why people were looking at you and laughing. They weren't jealous. They were just taking the piss out of you! Lina's gone and conned you for her own fun!"

" _What?!"_ he exclaimed in horror.

"It's _Lina,_ are you surprised?" asked Blaise, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, _I should've known!_ I'm going to _kill_ that infuriating girl! She _let_ me walk around in these? People were taking pictures, I assumed it was because I looked rich!"

Blaise shook his head. "Yeah, no. It was all just a setup by Lina. I'm sorry, mate."

"Don't be sorry, Blaise, you didn't do anything. In fact, I _owe you one_ for getting me out of here before I could do anything else in whatever these are. I'll deal with _Lina-flower_ in my own way," the way he said that was deadly calm. _Too calm._

Blaise didn't really want to be Lina at the moment, not at all.

* * *

How were the _Crocs?"_ asked Lina, once they were seated at dinner.

Draco decided to give her satisfaction. _For now._ He had to make her believe she had the upper hand so he could strike. "They were _amazing,_ flower. The Muggles loved them, they just kept looking at me. I bet it was because none of them couldn't afford it. You were right. Barely anyone has them on."

Lina shook her head, taking a drink out of her goblet. "As I said before, love, they cost a _frighteningly_ large sum of money."

He continued, "I went to the Gucci store. I asked them if I could have a pair of their finest Crocs, and they said they _didn't have_ Crocs! I rightly told them off. Can you believe it? A store considered fancy, not having Crocs?"

Lina nearly choked on her drink, covering her mouth. _No doubt hiding her laughter at the thought of this._

"Are you alright, flower?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowed with concern.

"Yes, I'm fine," she said, clearing her throat. "I can hardly believe it either."

"Besides that incident, all in all, I'd say it was a successful day," he sighed. "Thank you _so much_ for the Crocs, flower."

"Of course," she smiled over at him.

"Flower, when did you say that your big Auror presentation was?" he asked her, his voice innocent.

Lina let out a long sigh, running her hand through her hair, clearly forgetting about it. "Oh. In two days. This Monday. Gods, I'm so nervous."

He reached over, grabbing her hand from across the table. "I've all the faith in you. You're going to do amazing. It's definitely going to be an _interesting_ presentation."

"You really think so?"

"I _know_ so, flower," he said firmly, hiding his smirk.

 _She wanted war? Alright, Lina, let's go._

* * *

"So how'd it go?" asked Hermione over the phone later that night.

" _Put her on speaker!"_ Ron's voice hissed.

"I'll tell you both that he fell for it. He _completely_ fell for it," whispered Lina, "He thought the Muggles were looking at him because they _admired the style._ He literally told off people at Gucci for not selling Crocs! I had to hide my laugh."

"Oh my god! Lina! You're evil!" she gasped through the phone, laughing. "You're not going to let him do it again, right?"

"I believe the correct word for you isn't evil, but _bloody brilliant,"_ Ron added.

"Of course not, Mione. If he tries to go out in Muggle public again, I'll definitely tell him. For now...not yet," Lina said, her eyes twinkling.

"Imagine Malfoy going out with that smug look on his face in those _weird Muggle shoes!"_ Ron interjected again, howling with laughter.

"It does bring an interesting image," nodded Lina. "I'll see you both soon. Bye!"

"Bye, love, good luck on that presentation!"

* * *

On Sunday night, when Lina was in the living room, writing and reciting her presentation, Draco went to the bathroom with the green hair dye he bought, finding the hair shampoo she usually uses in the morning. He dumped the remnants of it in the sink, quickly rinsing it away. Then, he put the hair dye in the shampoo bottle, closing it.

He then went down to sit next to her. "How's it going, flower?"

"Terrible," she sighed. "I've had to rewrite everything several times, and my findings are sounding less and less realistic by the _minute."_

"Well, can I help with anything?" he asked.

"You wouldn't get it, I'll handle it," she said, going back to her work.

Draco almost felt guilty for what he had in store for her until he remembered the fact that Muggles _took pictures_ of him in the Crocs, and it was being talked about at his work.

* * *

The next morning, Draco was sitting on the couch, reading a book. He smirked to himself when the shower started running. _She was up now, and getting ready. This was going to be good._

"DRACO! MY HAIR IS _GREEN!"_ he heard her furious screech about twenty minutes later, and laughed openly. She stormed down the stairs, all dressed in her Auror robes with her cards and files at the ready. However, there was one problem: her hair was bright green. She was too busy giving him a murderous look and checking supplies, and it gave him enough time to Transfigure her pristine shoes into bright green Crocs, and put a Sticking Charm on them.

"Twenty-four hour hair dye. It matches the Crocs, don't you think, flower?"

Lina looked down, seeing that she was _also_ wearing Crocs. She let out a horrifying scream, trying and failing to take them off. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I HAVE MY PRESENTATION IN AN _HOUR!"_

"I just wanted to help you look good for your presentation, love," said Draco, innocently. "I thought if you had Crocs as well, then you'd have that rich look about you. As for the hair, I thought it'd be nice if the two match."

"I can't go like this!" she hissed, stomping her foot.

"Why not?" he countered. "Weren't you the one that said that Crocs were worn by the _richest and most respectable Muggles?"_

Lina paused, and he watched as her face turned from angry to fearful. "You -"

"Oh, yes, flower, I know what you did to me," he said, keeping his voice cheerful. "In fact, I loved the Crocs so much, that I wanted to repay you!"

"That was a mere outing - mine is an _Auror presentation!"_ cried Lina, "What the actual fuck is wrong with you?!"

"A mere _outing?_ Tell me, Lina: why did Muggles take pictures, why are people from work talking about it, and why do all your friends laugh whenever they see me? No, I _definitely_ think this is enough for us to be even."

"This is the _only day_ I can present," said Lina. "I cannot postpone, we're busy for the next month and we need what I have. They _trusted me_ with this information."

"Then go, love. Present. Best of luck," he smirked.

Lina wrapped a shawl around her green hair, desperately trying to cover herself, and grabbed her bag. Draco tried to lean in for a kiss, but was stopped. "Go to Tartarus!" she snarled, before Disapparating.

He couldn't help but laugh, getting ready to depart to Blaise's before work to tell him how he ensured his _dear_ flower would never pull one like this on him again.

* * *

When Lina got to the Aurors office, she was ambushed by Harry and Ron. "Ready for your big day?"

She merely responded by dragging the two of them to her office, where she closed the door. The two gasped when she removed her shawl. They looked like they wanted to laugh, but were stopped by Lina's death glare.

" _Lina, what happened to you?"_ asked Ron, aghast, looking at her bright green hair and her bright green Crocs.

" _Draco happened,"_ she snapped. "He found out that I pranked him, and decided to do this to me on presentation day!"

"On presentation day!" gasped Harry. "That's low, Lina, what Malfoy did was low."

"Okay. We can fix this," said Ron. "Put the shawl back on, we'll tell them you're feeling under the weather. Can't you just take those shoes off?"

"No!" she exclaimed. "I think there's some sort of Sticking Charm put on them."

"Here, let me try," and before she knew it, Ron was at her feet, trying to pull off the shoes. Harry tried the other one, and all that happened was the two of them slipped and spiraled on the floor.

"I have to go in five minutes," sighed Lina. "You _know_ that I can't postpone." Neither of her two friends knew what to say to that, but they did comfort her as they walked to the room.

"Lina, good, you've made it!" said the Head-Auror, Robards, once they entered the room. It was filled with most of the current Aurors, but Lina was absolutely horrified when she noticed that _Minister Shacklebolt_ was in the room, propped with some paper and a quill. She'd _never_ pit Draco in front of the literal Minister like this! People were already whispering about the Crocs, but luckily for her, the Minister never once looked at her feet.

"I just wanted to observe, Lina, pretend I'm not here," he said sincerely. "After all, the Dolohov case is an important one."

"Of course," she said shakily. "Now, before I begin my presentation -" Just before she could say anything relevant to the case or pull out her files, her shawl fell off. She put it back, but the damage was already seen. "THIS IS DRACO'S FAULT!" she yelled, over the laughter. "He got me back for the Crocs...I apologize, Minister and Robards, for my outburst and this outfit, but believe me, you can blame Draco for all of it."

"We're only here for the case information, Lina," said the Minister, hiding his amusement. "We won't say anything, go ahead."

And so she did, wondering throughout whether she should: a) take this as a sign to be more careful when pranking Draco, or b) go home afterwards and get extremely pissed at him.

Most likely both.

* * *

 **a/n: i hope this was enjoyable! x**

 **please r &r :)**

 **-ana**


	4. of adventures & baby aliens (for celia)

**of adventures and baby aliens**

 **a/n: yes i wrote an area 51 spinoff. yes i'm insane. yes i'm stressed about college applications. yes you shouldn't take this fic seriously.**

 **yes this fits no canon timeline whatsoever (i like having the characters be 20ish in spinoffs, as they're adults with freedom but aren't married with kids yet, so there's wiggle room there. obviously they're not this young during the area 51 raid, but). enjoy.**

 **dedicated to my fav, celia. check out her daughters of darkness series (her penname is harrypotter4evercelia)!**

* * *

"Aliens from Area 51. Think about it. They might be stuck there. The three of us could adopt some baby aliens - imagine the _look on Malfoy's face_ if you came home with one!" exclaimed Fred.

Lina laughed, raising an eyebrow. "You really think that there are aliens over there?"

"Well, we don't know for sure. All the better to find out, there has to be _some_ reason why the American government is so keen to keep people out of there," said George, grinning at her.

"There's always the option of me charmspeaking the guards and getting us in easy," said Lina, a twinkle in her eye. Her eyes then widened, "Why don't we just Apparate inside Area 51?"

"Apparating might work, but there's a chance we still might not be able to get into the gates," frowned George. "Magic still has rules to that sort of stuff, unfortunately."

"It's still not going to stop us, is it?" smirked Lina.

"Oh, not at all," added Fred, a similar smirk to his face.

"You're raiding Area 51 without me?" a voice interrupted them, and they jumped for a second to see Ron.

"Ickle Ronniekins, what part of _private work office_ do you not understand?" asked Fred. "And yes."

Ron shrugged. "I mean, you have Lina in here."

"Because we're discussing private business here," countered George. "Plus, we'd get _caught_ if we took you with us."

"I mean, there _is_ strength in numbers. As long as you don't let things slip to Mione, of course," said Lina, but the twins were shaking their heads.

"If you don't let me raid Area 51 with you, I'm going to tell mum about this," said Ron triumphantly.

Lina snorted, and the twins were looking at each other as if to determine whether it was worth it. "Fine. So, back to the plan -"

* * *

Ron had upheld his deal to Lina that he would not inform Hermione of anything that was going on with Area 51, which was to happen a week from now, but he _did_ let it slip to Harry, and by extension, Ginny.

Now _they_ also wanted to be involved in storming Area 51.

"Strength in numbers," insisted Lina, when the twins grumbled about how it was a terrible idea to get Ron involved. "What's _bad_ is if people like your mother, Mione, or Draco knew about this. Support is key, we can't free all the aliens ourselves."

Fred and George eventually agreed, and now the six of them were sitting in the Leaky Cauldron, planning in detail.

"So when we get there," mused Lina, taking a sip of her vodka, "I'll charmspeak the guards, and then we can probably get in. We might have to use magic, but it'll probably work."

"What about that friend of yours that I met one time, the one that can transform into different stuff?" suggested Ron. The twins looked confused, but Harry and Ginny smirked, knowing who Ron was referring to.

"You think we should get my friends in America involved?" asked Lina, raising an eyebrow.

"I mean...just in case there's more aliens than we thought. We can't just take some and leave the others," argued Ginny.

"You're right. Strength in numbers. But it's _imperative_ that we don't tell Annabeth about this," she said, enunciating her words. " _Beyond imperative."_

"Which is worse? Telling Annabeth about Area 51, or telling Mione?" asked Ron.

"I think you know the answer to that," said Lina darkly.

"Here's your food," the elderly waiter interrupted them with a large tray. "If I may ask, what is Area 51?"

"Nothing," they all said quickly, gratefully accepting the food.

* * *

Lina waited specifically until right after she was done work to contact Percy. If she waited until she got home to do it, then Draco might overhear. She dialed his number while still in her office, waiting for him to pick up.

"Hey, Fire-Girl," she heard his voice.

"Is Annabeth there with you?" asked Lina in a no-nonsense tone.

"Not now, but do you want me to go get her for yo -"

"No!" she said quickly. "In fact, I don't want her to hear _anything_ we say."

"She's nowhere within hearing range," he said, sounding confused. "What's happening?"

Lina took a breath. "Have you ever heard of Area 51?"

"Have I _heard_ of Area 51?" asked Percy incredulously. "Don't ever tell Wise-Girl, but some of us are actually planning to go to the September 20th raid to see if there's actually aliens being held there."

"Really?" smirked Lina, raising an eyebrow. "Because my lot all the way over in London's planning to raid as well."

"Even Malfoy?" asked Percy, raising an eyebrow.

Lina laughed loudly, before saying, "No. He and Mione would have collective aneurysms. There's six of us: Fred, George, Harry, Ron, Ginny, and me. Now that I know you're planning a raid as well, I was wondering if my group and yours could join forces?"

"We'd all be happy to have your group on board, Fire-Girl. Actually...I was about to call you a couple hours later. Strength in numbers after all, Leo was worried about how we'd actually get all the aliens out," was the reply.

"So, who've you got involved?" asked Lina, raising an eyebrow.

"I've got Piper, Jason, Frank, Hazel, Leo -"

"You've got the rest of the Eight save for Annabeth, don't you?"

"Yep," said Percy, popping the p.

Lina took a breath. "So the raid day is September 20th, not that any of the Muggles and mortals will actually be able to get _in,_ but it'll be a good distraction...we could all meet up a couple hours before we go, just to decide who's doing what to get us in and all, and how we're bringing the possible aliens out."

"Definitely," he said, and she could tell that he was grinning on the other end of the phone. "We could do it at Jason and Piper's place. _Let's see them aliens."_

* * *

"I miss Percy, Annabeth, and Sophia," said Lina empathically, snuggling into Draco's embrace. "It's been a while since I've seen them."

"We could always visit them if you want, flower," he told her, planting a kiss on her lips.

Lina hesitated, before taking a breath. "I...I sort of want to go alone. Just for one day. Friday, the 20th. I need a break from London."

He nodded in understanding. Lina was really leaving for the States for Area 51, not Percy and Annabeth. "I get it. I think we all need a break from London, to be honest."

"I'll make it up to you when I get back, I promise. We'll _both_ take a break from London," she muttered, burying her head into his shoulder. His response was merely to pull her closer.

With that, the couple went back to the show they were watching. He was thinking about her, and she was merely thinking about baby aliens.

* * *

" _Area 51, Area 51, Area 51!"_ whispered Lina in a singsong tone, as she got out of bed the morning of September 20th.

"What's Area 51, flower?" mumbled Draco sleepily.

"Nothing for you to worry about, just go back to sleep love," she said, kissing his forehead. After seeing he was back asleep, she gathered her clothes and started to get ready, before Disapparating to the entrance Leaky Cauldron to meet the others.

"Who's ready to _see them aliens?"_ asked Fred enthusiastically, once everyone was gathered outside.

There was a cheer that rose up from everyone.

"So, dear Lina, how are we going to meet our lovely allies?" said George.

Lina took a breath. "The others are in New Rome, which has barriers, which means you can't just Apparate in there. _However,_ you can if you all Side-Along with me. I'll just take two of you at a time -"

"But Apparating overseas and _back_ three times would drain all your energy before we even get there!" cried Ginny, "You'll get really sick and not be able to raid. Taking all six of us at once is actually better for you, as terrible as it sounds."

"Something could happen to one of you if I have _five people_ attached to me," said Lina, worried.

"We'll risk it," said George. "You've done three of us before, two more won't hurt. Everyone, grab a body part! Fred and I have already claimed her arms, sorry."

"There's no arguing against this, is there?" sighed Lina in defeat.

"Not if we want to go to Area 51!"

Harry and Ginny took her shoulders, and Ron grabbed her leg. "Don't say I didn't warn you," she said, concentrating very hard to make sure all five of them arrived safely.

Lina opened her eyes to see Jason and Piper's house in front of her, and luckily, nothing was wrong with any of her friends.

" _We're here!"_

"See, we _told_ you nothing would happen, Lina!" said George.

And so they walked over to knock on the door, singing " _we're off to see them aliens, we're off to see them aliens, we're off to see them aliens"_ as they did so.

* * *

The first thing Draco remembered when he woke up was the words _Area 51,_ said in Lina's voice. What even was _Area 51?_ Then, he remembered something he saw on the news on the television that he and Lina owned. _A raid on Area 51 on September 20 to supposedly_ see them aliens.

Draco had snorted, saying that any idiot who raided Area 51 would get killed. Lina had agreed with him halfheartedly, and there had been a gleam in her eyes he couldn't quite decipher.

Now that he _really_ thought about the gleam, he realized with horror that it was her " _I'm-going-to-do-something-stupid"_ gleam. Today was September 20...and she conveniently wasn't here…

Maybe she _genuinely_ wanted to see Percy and Annabeth? He shouldn't just automatically think the worst of his girlfriend, after all.

But he heard her say Area 51, and a raid sounds _exactly_ like something she would do. So, he did something he rarely ever did. He grabbed the home phone Lina showed him how to use, and contacted Granger.

"Lina?" she asked.

"No, this is Draco," he said.

"...Malfoy?" she sounded confused, "Is something wrong? Is Lina okay?"

"She's fine. I think. I have a simple question for you, Granger: have you ever heard of a place called Area 51?"

"Area 51?" repeated Granger, before she paused. "Yes I know what it is. It's all on the news and online and all, and people are actually planning to raid it. It's ridiculous and dangerous, and what unsettles me is I...kind of think Ron, Ginny, _and_ Harry might be going? I've seen signs, but he never outright said it. He said he was going on an Auror mission today with Harry, and Ginny's going with them, but there _are_ no missions...and I _swear_ I heard him mention it once!"

Draco took a sharp breath. "Yeah, uh...Lina flower told me that she was going to see Percy and Annabeth today because she missed them, and I believed her, but then I could've _sworn_ I heard her say Area 51 at some point."

"Not to mention apparently Fred and George closed their shop for today because they wanted to take care of _important business,"_ cried Granger.

"None of this sounds any good. At all," deadpanned Draco.

"...Do you think that lot planned a mass trip to _Area 51?"_ wondered Granger. "And conveniently didn't tell us? I'd like to say of course not, but then again - it's _those six!"_

"Granger. They're going to get killed. We have to do something," he said through clenched teeth.

"You're not suggesting... _we_ go to Area 51 too?" said Granger, although her tone made it clear that she knew the answer.

"Well, flower's always been saying how alike we are and how we should _bond,"_ he said, dragging out the word. "Can you meet me at the house? I'll probably drag Blaise along, too, just so I don't throttle the lot."

"I'll be there in five minutes."

* * *

Meanwhile, the now massive Area 51 group had Apparated to Area 51, but unfortunately they only managed to make it to the gates, not _into_ the gates. They sang "we're off to see them aliens" once more.

"Okay, so, let's review the plan!"

"Pipes and I'll act all flirty and charmspeak the guards," said Lina, winking.

"I'll change into whatever we need as necessary," grinned Frank.

"I mean, if we need fire…" trailed off Leo.

"Magic as well," chimed in the wizards. They all approached the gates, where there were guards glaring at them. The large _DO NOT TRESPASS SIGN_ was flashing. There were a couple mortals/muggles scattered about.

"You can take pictures here, but you can't come in," said the guard, glaring at them.

"But we're not raiders, the twelve of us are part of the military," Lina said, her voice electric with charmspeak.

"We're _supposed_ to be here," added Piper.

The guards were considering them. "The military, huh? We believe you. But the military isn't allowed to enter unauthorized."

"We _are_ authorized," Piper said, "And must I say, you guys are looking extremely hot today?"

The guards were blushing, and throughout all this, Frank was already able to get some of the group in via flying bird. "You are authorized…"

"You're looking _amazing,"_ gushed Lina, her voice electric with charmspeak. "And I assure you, we are most definitely authorized."

"Of course you are. You are most definitely authorized." With the guards still in a trance, everyone was able to cross into Area 51.

" _WE'RE IN! WE'RE IN! WE'RE IN!"_

Knowing the charmspeak may not last, they sprinted further in the forbidden area, enough that they were out of viewing distance from the guards.

* * *

Draco, Blaise, and Granger were now at Area 51, taking in their surroundings.

"Wow," said Blaise, looking around. "This looks so cool. Sometimes I wish I was in with Lina's lot so they could involve me in their shit -"

"Blaise!" snapped Draco, "This is _illegal!_ And unsafe."

Granger nodded in agreement. They looked in the crowd, and found a blonde head that looked all too familiar.

"Annabeth?" asked Granger, her eyebrows furrowed. "What're you _doing_ here?"

"Literally all the Eight besides me thought it'd be a good idea to raid Area 51," she hissed, her eyes narrowed. "Calypso and I found out, her boss would fire her if she went with me, so I went to collect the idiots instead."

"There's a group of idiots of our own in Area 51 as well," said Granger.

"Did you know that your idiots combined with my idiots to form a whole big supergroup of idiots? There's an idiot crossover going on in there," said Annabeth, trying to keep her voice under control.

"You've _got_ to be kidding me," deadpanned Draco. "And they're probably going to actually be able to get _in,_ with all their collective powers."

Blaise paused for a moment. "...Wait. I just realized something. We don't _have_ any powers."

"Yes we do," countered Granger. "We have magic."

"We can't Apparate in there," countered Blaise. "We don't have fancy speak, and we don't have element control, fighting power, shapeshifting power, or...any other power. We're fucked."

Annabeth gave a long sigh. "Who let all these idiots be blessed with their powers? I...well, I don't have _that_ kind of power. Come with me, I'll try and get us in there in my own way."

* * *

"You know, for a so-called forbidden area, there's pretty much nothing here," pointed out Leo. He was right. They've been here for ten minutes so far, and it literally just looked like a cornfield.

"Maybe the aliens are further in?" wondered Ginny, holding hands with her boyfriend.

"Probably," said Fred, "In the meantime...we're in _Area 51!_ We should capture the moment! It'd make for a good sales pitch...legend has it that they crossed Area 51-"

They all laughed, before they agreed. As they walked further into the area, they all took a lot of silly pictures.

"I can't believe we're here. We are _in_ Area 51," said Percy.

Lina chuckled, "Believe it, Kelp Head."

"Guys! I think I found something alien-looking!" it was Jason's voice, and they all turned their heads so fast that they got whiplash.

"I didn't think we'd actually _find_ an alien!" exclaimed Leo in glee, as they all bounded over.

Jason halted them. " _Slowly._ There are a lot of us, and we don't want to scare whatever it is off."

* * *

"Hello," said Annabeth to the guards, giving them a bright smile. Draco, Blaise, and Granger were all positioned some distance away from her, each with a grappling hook.

"Hi," one of the guards said, glaring at her.

"Your job must be terrible," she said to them.

One of the guards laughed. "Tell me about it! Too many loons around this place."

"How hungry are you?" asked Annabeth curiously, moving for Draco, Blaise, and Granger to start work with the grappling hooks.

"Very hungry," said one of the guards empathically, "We haven't eaten all day, but we've been made to guard this blasted place."

"There's a shop back there," said Annabeth, motioning to it. "I could get you something to eat. What do you guys want? I'll write it down."

"You're such a doll," said one of the guards. "Are you sure you don't want us to pay for it? We could -"

"No. It's on me."

The guards looked at each other in awe, before one said, "I'll have chicken strips and fries. Don't judge me."

Annabeth chuckled, writing it down, and the other guard started, "I'll have a sandwich -"

" _What on earth is going on here?"_ a fifth guard who looked like a supervisor stormed over, and Annabeth's eyes widened in horror when she saw her three wizard friends dragged over, their grappling hooks halfway done. "Why haven't you stopped this? Blondie here actually got _in!"_ the guard gestured towards Draco.

"Sorry, we were distracted by the girl, she said she'd give us food -"

" _How_ dumb _are you?"_ the supervisor roared with outrage. "I saw that young lady earlier! She was walking with these three; she _knows_ them!"

"This is all a big misunderstanding," said Annabeth, holding her hands up in peace. "We'll just go, get out of your hair -"

"There are people we care about in there," interrupted Draco, staring down the supervisor.

"Likely story!" the guard snorted. "No, you four tried trespassing without entry, which means you're heading for the slammer."

"You can't be serious!" gasped Blaise, as they were hauled away.

"I have enough money to sue _all of you,"_ snarled Draco. "I'll destroy you! And _those idiots,_ as well, for doing this to us -"

Annabeth and Granger sighed, looking at each other. _This was all because of the idiots. Hopefully they're alright._

* * *

Behind a tree, there was something that looked sort of a baby alien. Its body was green, and eyes purple, and it looked to be about two feet tall. Upon closer examination, they saw that it was missing a leg. When it saw the group, it's eyes widened with relief. It kept squeaking, and pointing at something towards its left.

"Hi," crooned Lina, leaning down to the alien's height. The alien looked at her, continuing its desperate squeaking. It seized one of Lina's hands, pointing it towards a certain direction.

"You want us to take you that way?" said Ginny gently, leaning down.

The alien squeaked, nodding vigorously.

Lina lifted the alien up to carry it, and the others were looking at it curiously. The alien squirmed at the attention. The alien literally flew out of her grasp as soon as Fred and George got out a camera.

" _You're scaring it!"_ Frank scolded them. They put their hands up in surrender, relinquishing the camera.

Lina tried picking up the alien again, and the alien didn't resist. They started walking in the direction the alien wanted to go in.

"Where do you reckon it wants to go?" asked Fred.

"Well, it can't walk," said Piper, "That's why it wanted _us_ to take it somewhere. Maybe there are _more_ aliens out there. The poor little guy probably wants to see its family."

The alien nodded vigorously from where it was in Lina's arms.

"Sweet!" exclaimed Leo. "More aliens!"

"I know you understand English, but can you speak it?" asked Lina gently. The alien shook its head.

"Is it forbidden for humans to take pictures?" asked Lina.

The alien nodded.

"What happens if we _do?"_ asked Ron, and the alien glared at him. "Would you do something terrible to us?"

A small smirk creeped on the alien's face, as he nodded. Everyone laughed, but also knew to take the alien seriously.

Suddenly the alien squeaked in delight, pointing at something. They walked faster. " _Oh my gods!"_ gasped Piper.

"Blimey," said Fred, George, and Ron in unison.

It was a giant spaceship. Through the window, they saw many aliens looking at them, squeaking in happiness. Lina's eyes widened.

One of the aliens ran out of the spaceship, struggling to with its stubby little legs. It halted where Lina was, holding its arms out for the baby alien.

She handed it over, and the other alien smothered her with a slobbery kiss.

"You're very welcome," chuckled Lina, internally wincing when she noticed the slobber was a greenish color.

Then, the other alien proceeded to give the entire rest of the group green-colored slobbery kisses, squeaking in delight.

They saw a big banner hoisted out of the ship itself, and in extremely messy handwriting, they read " _THANK YOU FOR REUNITING US."_ The ship then started powering up, getting ready to leave.

"Are you going to...leave earth?" asked Lina, her voice faltering.

The two aliens nodded. They gave the group a two-fingered salute before they went into the ship, and some of the group was surprised to find out that there were tears in their eyes.

The aliens were waving goodbye vigorously.

"Goodbye dear aliens!" called Piper, waving.

"Come back anytime!" added Fred, "Think of the pranks that could occur -"

" _Fred!"_

"Thanks for proving my conspiracy theory! Good luck!" waved Leo.

They watched sadly as the ship disappeared from their sight, becoming just a mere speck in the sky.

* * *

Lina sighed as soon as they returned back. "I miss the aliens already." She was met with several nods and sighs.

"I can't believe we actually got in," said Frank.

"I can't believe we saw aliens," added Fred, a shit eating grin on his face.

Suddenly, Lina and Percy's cell phones both rang, each of them going to answer their respective call.

"Is this a Miss Lina Quimby?" a gruff voice rang through the phone.

"Yes, this is she...why are you calling me?" she asked, her voice guarded.

"You're listed as one of two emergency contacts for a Mr. Draco Malfoy...he's in jail. The jail's located at the top of Tikaboo Peak in Nevada. You can pick him up with bail."

"He's _what?"_ gasped Lina incredulously, her eyes widening. "That's unlike him, can you tell me _why_ he's in jail?"

"He and four others tried trespassing into Area 51...something about collecting idiots? Also, he's next to me in a cell and would like me to add that he's extremely pissed at you. I don't know why."

Lina went pale. "Um...I'll be there soon. Thank you for telling me, goodbye."

Percy hung up too. "Was that a jail call for trespassing into Area 51 about Draco?" he asked her, his eyes widening in horror.

"Was yours about _Annabeth?"_ Lina asked, the same expression on her face.

"Area 51 didn't kill us… but _they_ most certainly will," the two said in unison, the others looking at them with pity.

Meanwhile, Ron's eyes widened in horror. He didn't have a cell phone, but for all he knew, Mione was involved as well.

" _We're all toast."_

* * *

 **a/n: i'm sane i swear. i'm swamped atm so i don't know the next time i can write, but enjoy me...randomly popping up with a nonsense area 51 spinoff? i'll eventually try and continue the prank war one once things let up.**

 **please r &r :)**

 **-ana**


	5. luke perseus malfoy

**luke perseus malfoy**

 **a/n: just a little oneshot about the birth of luke. finals are next week and my muse decided to go at it lol. i need to study this week but hopefully i'll be back with something over break! enjoy x**

* * *

A 21-year-old Lina let out yet another terrifying scream as another contraction came upon her, squeezing her boyfriend's hand as hard as she could.

"I should have _never_ had sex with you," she spat at him viciously.

"We're almost done, love, you just need to keep pushing," encouraged Draco, while the senior Healer assigned to them tentatively whispered over Lina's loud swearing in his ear that she was getting there, but not quite close to getting the baby out.

" _WHAT?"_ shrieked Lina, being able to hear the Healer's whispering.

"Are you _serious?_ We've been here _seven hours,"_ Draco hissed to the Healer. He knew he was technically a trainee, and that Healer was his superior, but he was pissed off, and currently he was here as a boyfriend, not work. Lina screamed once more.

"We've had labor take twenty hours, Draco," said the Healer bluntly to him.

" _TWENTY HOURS?"_ screeched Lina in horror. She whirled her head towards Draco, her eyes narrowed in hatred. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

"You can kill me as soon as we get out of here, I promise," said Draco dryly. The senior Healer didn't look fazed, as if he dealt with this on a daily basis.

The couple watched as another screaming woman and her partner were getting wheeled into the delivery room.

"They got here _four hours_ after us!" hissed Lina in an accusatory tone, pointing at them. "That's the third couple that's been cleared to deliver!" she nearly sobbed. Draco nodded in agreement, glaring at the Healer.

"The length of labor differs depending on the person, but I promise we will do whatever we can to help you in the process, Lina," said the senior Healer, glancing at her with pity.

She screamed as yet another contraction occurred. Suddenly heads poked through the door, and the rest of the Quartette, Percy and Annabeth, as well as Blaise and Daphne entered.

"GET THIS THING OUT OF ME! NEITHER OF THEM ARE HELPING!" Lina screamed when she saw the Quartette and Percabeth, who rushed by her side.

Meanwhile, Blaise pulled aside Draco. "You doing okay, mate?" he asked. "Thought we'd come in for a bit, check on her, give _you_ a break from her saying she's going to murder you every five seconds…"

The senior Healer interrupted the conversation with a relieved sigh, "That was quicker than I thought. 10 centimeters. You're ready for the delivery room. You can take two with you, Lina."

"Obviously I'll go, flower," said Draco adamantly.

Lina nodded in agreement. "Annabeth, I really need you," she called, tears streaming down her face, and the elder woman nodded firmly.

"We'll see you on the other side, love," said Hermione sincerely to Lina.

"Good luck," added both Potter and Weasley.

"You've got this mate," Blaise said to Draco, clapping him on the back.

"JUST GET THE FUCKING BABY OUT OF ME!" screeched Lina, obviously not in any mood for any well-wishing or prolonging the painful process.

Everyone left the room, and the Healer quickly gave Draco and Annabeth gowns to dress in before he started to wheel Lina into the delivery room, the two blonds following quickly.

Once she was settled, the Healer turned to her. "Lina, at this point, how fast that baby gets out of you depends on how hard you push," he told her gently. "You've fought before. You're an Auror and probably stronger than 99 percent of the women I've had through here, we'll get the baby out quickly."

Lina screamed and responded with a super hard push. "JUST GET IT OUT! How did you _do_ this?" she demanded Annabeth.

Annabeth sighed, "Pain, Fire-Girl. And lots of it. But you've got this, you're going to get a beautiful baby out love."

"Good push!" praised the Healer, putting a hand on her stomach.

Draco squeezed her hand.

"Don't you even _look_ at me!" she snarled at him in contempt, but squeezed his hand back. _Hard._

"We're almost done, flower, I promise," said Draco, pulling back some of her hair and kissing her forehead.

"Push again," encouraged the Healer, and Lina pushed hard.

"I can see the head, Fire-Girl!" exclaimed Annabeth excitedly. Draco peered over to see that there was, in fact, a head. He could see that their baby clearly inherited Lina's hair and not his.

"Indeed," said the Healer, "One more push, Lina."

"NO!" she exclaimed in pain, her whole body sweating. "I can't."

"Yes you can, flower," said Draco encouragingly. "You're so strong, love, you _can._ We can all see the head, one more and you'll be done."

"Easy for you to say," groaned Lina, " _You're_ not the one DELIVERING THE BABY!" Nevertheless, she managed one last push, and her pained screams were replaced by the wailing of a baby.

"He's out," said the Healer, smiling. "You've given birth to a beautiful baby boy, Lina."

"Where is he?" she murmured, holding out her arms for him as the Healer handed him over to an assistant. She wanted to see him so badly.

"We're just going to clean him up and bring him right back to you," said the Healer in a reassuring tone.

Lina watched as the assistants cleaned and weighed her baby boy, before they finally handed him over to her.

"We did it, flower," said Draco softly, planting a kiss on both her and their new son's cheeks. He was absolutely _beautiful._ He had Lina's hair and eyes, and Draco's facial features.

"Against all odds, we did it," agreed Lina. "We...had a baby. Luke Perseus -"

"Are we at least going to _consider_ Scorpius Hyperion?" asked Draco.

"For the last time, I'm _not_ naming him Scorpion!" huffed Lina.

"Even I have to chime in and say that's terrible," added Annabeth.

" _Scorpius,"_ corrected Draco, "It was one of my favorite constellations as a child, love."

"Well, maybe we can name the next one that," said Lina absentmindedly, focusing in on her new son. She had absolutely no clue how babies worked; all she knew was that he looked _perfect._

"The next one?" repeated Draco, raising an eyebrow.

"No," she said quickly, "I don't know _why_ I said that -"

"Marry me," he said suddenly, and Lina gave him a shocked look. He got down on one knee and sighed. "Listen, flower, I...I know that I tried to propose before, and I know that it didn't end well, but after going through _this_ with you...having a _baby_ with you...I can't imagine myself with anyone else. I love you, Lina. I love your feisty streak and the way you stand up for everyone and anyone, I can't imagine my life without you and the little fights we have, all the stolen kisses we've had, and all our ups and downs, and...can you imagine me with a stiff Pureblood woman? So, I ask this question again…" he paused, retrieving a red ruby ring from his pocket. "Alina Ruby Quimby, will you marry me?"

Lina looked at him, and before she could even think straight, the word _yes_ came out from her lips.

* * *

 **a/n: i hope this was enjoyable!**

 **please r &r :)**

 **-ana**


	6. the truth about santa claus

**the truth about santa claus**

 **a/n: if you believe in santa you do you, ily, and don't read this! trust me!**

 **for the rest of you, i had this fic idea right when i woke up this morning on christmas and got to writing asap lol. it's a lil sad, and quite honestly i was hoping this idea would leave my brain so i wouldn't have to cry on my laptop on christmas day, but it is what it is.**

 **there IS a decent ending, if i wanted to be cruel and write a sad ending i would have waited until the 26th to post this sksk**

* * *

" _Daddy, I got a new stuffed giraffe! Daddy,_ look!" _squealed Ellie, tearing through her Christmas presents excitedly._

" _I know, sweetie, I see," crooned Robert, "Keep opening, Ells, you have a lot more left. After all, Santa brings_ many _gifts to all the_ good _girls in the world." He emphasized those words, turning to give me a cold look, before his expression softened as he turned back to Ellie._

 _I bit my lip, tears threatening to spill down my face. What had I done wrong that Santa didn't want to bring me any presents any year? It must've been because I did something bad to anger him; it_ must have _been._

" _C - Can I go next door to Ally's?" I stammered out. Despite Santa hating my guts, Ally and her mum would always show me some sort of kindness on Christmas day._

" _No," he snapped at me, and I flinched._ "Ally _is probably enjoying the presents she got from Santa, just like Ellie over here is." He motioned to my half-sister, who was too engrossed in opening her twenty-or-so presents to hear us. "Because they're both_ good _girls, unlike_ you," _he poured all the venom into the 'you.'_

 _I curled my body up on the armchair, watching Robert fawn over Ellie for a little more, before he finally turned to me with a smile that didn't quite meet his eyes. "Actually, Santa_ did _leave you a little something this year. Open it, Alina," he said, giving me a wrapped present._

" _Really?" I asked him, my lips trembling._

" _Open it," he insisted, and I excitedly unwrapped it, not believing it to be true. My eyes widened in horror once I saw the 'gift.'_

A lump of coal.

"This _is what Santa gives to naughty children," said Robert, trying to keep the glee out of his voice. "Did you_ actually _think you were going to get a_ gift _from him?" He started laughing cruelly as I sobbed inside my hands, turning back to Ellie._ Then, _they would eat their Christmas feast, I of course, not deserving much of the food._

 _Because_ I _had been a naughty girl._

* * *

A year later, I woke up from that past dream, trembling, looking around at the suite Luke somehow managed to get us for the holidays and going back under the covers. It was early Christmas morning now, and I wasn't expecting anything this year from Santa at all.

"Lina? Flower?" a voice called, "Are you alright?"

Shivering louder from the dream, I pulled myself under the covers some more. The quiet footsteps got closer, and I heard the sound of someone sitting.

"It's just Thalia," the voice continued gently. "Please come out and talk to me?"

Hesitating, I slowly removed my head from under the covers, tears streaming down my face.

"Oh, flower," she said softly, coming closer to me and pulling some of my hair back from my face. "What's wrong?"

"I…" I trailed off, looking down, sniffling. "It was just a bad dream…" I took a breath, before turning to her. "Tally, have you ever gotten a gift from Santa before?"

"A gift from _Santa?"_ she repeated, stroking some more of my hair.

"I've never gotten one before," I told her honestly. "Robert says only good girls receive gifts from him."

Thalia suddenly let go of my hair, and her face went slack. " _That asshole,"_ she snarled furiously, making me jump.

"Did I say something wrong?" I asked, my voice trembling.

"No," she said firmly. "You did nothing wrong, Lina...you never did anything wrong at all. Flower, there _is_ no Santa, there are only assholes."

"No Santa?" I repeated. "Then what are all those movies about?"

"Made up," she said. "There is _no_ magic bearded man in the sky that flies in a sleigh with a bunch of reindeer handing out gifts to nice kids and coal to naughty ones, I swear that to the gods."

I gasped, knowing she was serious if she was going to go swear to the gods. "Then h - how did Ellie get all those gifts?"

Thalia took a breath. "Well, flower, usually it's the parents who buy all the gifts, and allow their kids to believe in Santa for a while to keep Christmas magic. People usually find out around eight, maybe nine or ten the real truth. So, yes, it was indeed your asshole of a father that bought all the gifts for your half-sister and lied about only 'good girls' receiving gifts from him."

"So…" I take a breath. "...He lied? I'm a good girl?"

"One of the best," smiled Thalia, giving my shoulder a little squeeze. "And I can tell you right here and now that Luke and I have something really special planned for the four of us this Christmas, and there _will_ be gifts involved."

I sniffle. "Really?"

" _Really,"_ she promised me.

* * *

 **a/n: my sincerest apologies for hitting y'all straight in those feels on christmas. have a merry christmas y'all and happy holidays if y'all don't celebrate! i do still plan to post the prank war ch5 later tonight, once all the guests we have coming in about an hour leave (i'm excited for them tho!). i love y'all x**

 **please r &r :)**

 **-ana**


	7. luke's first word

**luke's first word**

 **a/n: ahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaha. s/o to lily for hyping me up as i wrote this xo (also i'm sick rip)**

 **warning: there is a HIGHLY excessive use of the 'f word' in this fic. lmaoo**

* * *

Making sure Luke was settled in his playpen, Lina pored over all the at-home Auror work she had to do to catch up due to all the days she spent taking care of her son. " _Fuck,"_ she muttered, looking at it all.

"Fuck!" she heard another voice say excitedly, and she jumped, looking around. There was nobody with her in this room or even in this cottage except...her eyes widened in horror as she turned to the playpen... _Luke,_ who hasn't said his first word yet.

Well, now he had, obviously. _This_ would definitely be an interesting story to tell, she thought, her lips twitching upwards, until she realized the gravity of what she did. _What did she_ do?

"Fuck!" Luke repeated once her attention was fully focused on him, as if she didn't hear him clearly the first time.

 _Dear gods, Lina had to un-teach him that._ Preferably before Draco got home. She hurried over to the playpen and picked him up. "Lukie," she said sweetly, bouncing him. "Can you say mama?"

He simply locked eyes with her, his lips trembling, as if he was about to say something. "Go on love," she prompted, kissing his cheek.

"Fuck," he finally said, in a serious voice.

"Gods, you really _are_ my son," she said in horror, biting her lip. "Can you say dada for me? Really, anything other than -"

"Fuck?" he questioned innocently, finishing her sentence for her.

"Yes," she sighed in resignation, placing him back in his playpen and turning to her Auror work again. Maybe he wouldn't say anything at all when Draco gets home, anyways.

* * *

"How was work today?" asked Lina, as Draco leaned down for a kiss. He then leaned over to kiss Luke's forehead.

"It was great, flower," he responded. "Today, this one patient -"

"Fuck," a voice interrupted them, and Lina looked down, her head in her hands.

"Care to tell me _what happened_ here when I was gone?" Draco asked his wife, his arms crossed.

"On the bright side, our Lukie said his first word today," said Lina cheerfully. "On the other hand-"

"Said word was _fuck?"_ he asked, his eyebrows raised.

"Fuck!" repeated Luke cheerfully.

Lina sighed loudly. "I...I _might_ have said the word when I saw how much Auror work I had to catch up on, and he _might_ have repeated the word. And now, that's all he says. Believe me, I _tried."_

"Wow," said Draco dryly, trying to keep the amusement out of his voice. "He really _is_ your son, flower."

"And _yours,"_ she shot back at him with a huff. "Don't act like _I_ was the only one who swore around here. We _both_ created him!"

"...Do you think there's a way to unteach it?" asked Draco after a second, glancing at Luke.

"Well… as Lukie begins talking more, he'll eventually learn more... _cleaner_ words," reasoned Lina.

"Yeah," nodded Draco. "You're right. This'll probably last...a day. We'll be fine."

And it _did_ seem fine, because Luke didn't say _the_ word (or any other word) for the rest of the evening.

* * *

"Thanks for agreeing to watch him today," said Lina emphatically, handing Luke over to Hermione. "I _know_ that he's been more of a handful recently, but we're both pretty busy today. Draco might be getting promoted and I have to deal with several Auror meetings."

"Of course, it's not a problem, love," she assured. "I have a short home shift today, so it'll work."

Lina hugged her in thanks, before she Disapparated off.

Hermione held Luke with a smile as she bounced him up in the air. "You're going to have _so_ much fun with your Auntie Hermione today," she gushed.

He squealed, happy to be reunited with one of his favorite Aunts, but then he locked eyes with her, eager to tell her the word he'd learned yesterday. " _Fuck."_

Hermione was so horrified that she nearly dropped him by accident. Oh, she _knew,_ she just _knew_ him being raised in a home owned by _Draco_ and _Lina_ would cause this!

"What did you say, sweetie?" she asked, somewhat hoping she heard him wrong.

"Fuck," he said innocently, repeating himself.

"You wanna know another word similar to that?" asked Hermione. "It's a nice, pretty, animal called a _duck."_

Luke stared at her blankly.

"C'mon love, I'll show you," she insisted, walking towards the door and taking him towards the lake nearby their house, where ducks often congregated. "See those animals, Lukie? The pretty _ducks_ over there?"

"Fucks?" questioned Luke, with a little smirk on his face.

Hermione's smile faded. "We're going to do something different instead. I'm going to give you some snacks inside...and you can watch me chew out your mum over the phone, it'll be fun."

Once she finally had him settled in the house (he tried to run off _several_ times), she grabbed her cellphone and angrily speed dialed Lina's number. The phone rang, but nobody answered. She was probably at her Aurors meeting.

Her lips then twitched upwards for a second, and then she called a _different_ number instead.

"Hermione?" asked Blaise, in surprise.

"Yes," she nodded. "Do you want me to tell you what _Dralina_ has done _this_ time?"

"...Do I want to know?" Blaise's voice came through the phone. "Is everything... intact?"

"I'm taking care of Luke today. He seems to have learned his first word: _it is literally the f word!_ That's _all_ he says!"

Hermione's eyes twitched in anger as all that could be heard from the other end is hysterical laughter. " _It's not funny!"_ she snarled. "Babies at that age are highly malleable!"

"Are you surprised?" asked Blaise.

"Well...no," sighed Hermione honestly.

"The kid'll be fine," said Blaise easily, "He'll learn some new words over time."

"I guess you're right, Blaise. I'm still angry, though," she huffed, and ended the call.

* * *

Someone knocked on the door, and Hermione straightened. "Who is it?" she asked evenly. She knew it wasn't Ron, as he had a key, so it must be the subject of her current anger: Lina.

"It's Lina, I'm here to pick Lukie up?" the voice outside called, confused as to why she wasn't being let in immediately as usual.

Hermione walked slowly to the door, opening it. "Here to pick Luke up, are you?" she asked her icily.

"...Yes?" asked Lina weakly, taken aback at her best friend's tone.

"Honestly, I'm wondering if I should even _let_ you take him home," said Hermione, her nose up in the air. "What with the _new words_ he's learning."

Lina paled. "Yeah...um. About that. I said the word when looking at all the Auror work I had to do yesterday, he copied me, and...I'm sorry, he'll learn some new words besides that one eventually-"

"So the _f word_ is all he says at the moment?"

"For now," said Lina, but Hermione noticed something in her. Her lips were _twitching._

"YOU'RE SOMEWHAT ENJOYING THIS, AREN'T YOU?" she exploded.

"Um…" trailed off Lina, not denying it. "Where is he?"

"Napping upstairs," was the response. Lina went upstairs to carry her sleeping son, and when she began to leave, Hermione hissed, _"Don't_ think I'm going to let you forget this."

"Mhm," responded Lina absentmindedly, "Thanks for watching him, Mione."

"No problem _love_ ," she said through gritted teeth.

* * *

There was no way anyone could forget it, to be honest, as it was the _only_ word Luke said for a month, which is _exactly_ how long Draco and Lina avoided Annabeth entirely for.

* * *

 **a/n: i'm sorry for this...i have nothing to say for myself...love y'all and have a great upcoming new years!**

 **please r &r :)**

 **-ana**


	8. the no-magic challenge (for celia)

**the no-magic challenge**

 **a/n: hi lovelies! long time no see :)**

 **yes i wrote this entire 5k+ fic today! don't judge me, i'm sporadic lol. this is a (very belated) bday gift for my fav, celia. i can't believe you're nineteen now! thanks for sticking with me and ilysm!**

 **i hope everyone enjoys this :)**

* * *

Hermione looked around her house, where she was spending time with her boyfriend and two best friends, but after she spent a week with her Muggle parents, she was getting increasingly annoyed.

Her eyes opened to how painfully dependent the rest of the Quartette were on magic. They wouldn't last a _second_ in the Muggle world. First of all, Ron had just _accio-ed_ his jacket, which was merely feet away from him.

Harry had just used _Alohomora_ for something that would've taken a bit of effort to open, but ultimately would've been done, and Lina said that she felt under the weather after she literally Apparated overseas and back _twice_ today because she forgot something at Percy and Annabeth's.

"Hey, Quartette, is anyone hungry?" asked Ron, looking up from his game of Exploding Snap with Harry.

" _No,"_ groaned Lina, lying facedown on the couch.

"I _told_ you not to Apparate overseas twice!" snarled Hermione, but she walked over to the couch and began rubbing her best friend's back nonetheless.

"I'm hungry," said Harry, and Ron's response was to wave his wand, and say " _Accio cookies!"_

The spell missed quite a bit. Hermione let out a scream of surprise as several cookies flew into the room, throwing her out of balance.

She stood up, her body trembling in fury. "Okay! That's _it!_ I will literally bet the three of you that you can't go _two weeks_ without magic! No Apparition, no accio-ing, no wand-waving in any form, nothing, for two weeks!"

The three of them looked at Hermione with horror, wondering whether she was joking or not.

"Even if we _do_ take you up on that, what are we supposed to do about our _jobs?"_ asked Harry, raising an eyebrow.

"That's the only exception," said Hermione. "I'm aware that you're all Aurors, so your jobs are the only place you could use magic."

"More importantly, how do we _get_ to our jobs?" asked Lina.

Hermione turned slowly, locking eyes with her. "They're things called buses and trains. They're what the poor people who _cannot_ just pop somewhere in one minute take. Also, they have to wake up considerably earlier to _catch_ the transportation, versus _you,_ Lina, who wakes up ten minutes before a shift just to Apparate there."

Ron looked horrified. "We have to use...Muggle transportation! Okay, _Mione,_ what's in it for us if we win this bet?"

"Since I am positively sure you are all going to crack during day two...I'll do all of your Auror work for two weeks if you win," said Hermione succinctly. "And if you lose...then, you three have to accompany me to my 'incredibly boring' as Lina puts it, Muggle history book club, and actually read the books. For a _month."_

They all gasped in pure horror, as Hermione laid back and smirked. They heard a knock on the door, and Hermione got up to answer it.

"...Malfoy," she said evenly.

"Yes, Granger, I heard the words ' _Muggle history book club'_ from outside and needed to save my flower from you immediately, so I'm here," he drawled.

"Would you like to be included in the bet as well?" asked Hermione, barely able to keep the smugness out of her tone.

"What bet?" demanded Malfoy.

"She said if we can go without magic for two weeks, she'll do all our Auror work, but if we lose, we have to participate in a Muggle history book club," groaned Lina from her position facedown on the couch.

"What happened to you, love?" he asked her in concern, immediately going over to her. He gave her a kiss and put his arms around her.

"She Apparated overseas _twice!"_ cried Hermione indignantly, and Malfoy gave his girlfriend a reproachful look.

"Draco, I _had_ to, okay!" defended Lina.

That didn't satisfy Malfoy. He put a hand to his head and gave a deep sigh, before he raised an eyebrow at Hermione. "I'm not an Auror, Granger, so what'll be in it for me if _I_ win the bet?"

"Depends, what do you want?" she asked him. If _Draco Malfoy_ went two weeks without magic...his girlfriend actually stood a better chance and that said something.

"I want," said Malfoy slowly, taking some time to think about it. "A personal servant."

"A personal servant?" asked Hermione, in distaste.

"Yes, Granger, you heard me. If you're so _desperate_ in proving your Muggle point, you must do something for me. Whenever I want something, which I will tell you through either my flower or through a message, you have to do it for me, for two weeks."

Suddenly, another knock came on the door. "I'll get it this time," said Ron, moving to open the door. "Ginny," he greeted.

"Hey, guys," the youngest Weasley said cheerfully, skipping over to Harry and pecking him on the lips. "What's been going on?"

"Hermione's gone and challenged us to a no magic bet," responded Harry. "If we win, then she's going to do all our Auror work and be Malfoy's servant. If we lose, we all have to go to her boring history club and participate."

"It's not boring!" Hermione tried to defend, but she knew she wasn't convincing anyone present with the looks she was receiving.

Ginny rolled her eyes. "I'm _confident_ I can manage two weeks," she said, looking at Hermione. "So what's in it for me? Wait...I have an idea. Why don't we make this a couples contest? If a couple manages to last the whole two weeks, then they can request something from Hermione as well as the other couples. If none manage to stand two weeks, then we all have to go to the book club."

"That'd be ridiculously unfair. Granger would just do everything for Weasley and they'd win," pointed out Malfoy, sourly, and Lina nodded in agreement.

"I guarantee that I'd just make it even _harder_ for Ron if I made it a couples contest," promised Hermione.

She smirked to herself; this would be fun. She was pretty sure herself and Ron would barely last a day, same length for Dralina, and Hinny maybe two days, but even that might be a bit much.

"If we were to do this," said Hermione, after a moment of silence. "What does each couple want from me?"

"I want my Auror work done if I manage to win," said Ron firmly, and Hermione nodded.

Harry and Ginny looked at each other for a moment. "The rest of you have to go clean our entire house _without_ magic if Harry and I win," Ginny said bluntly.

Hermione winced, but nodded.

"I'm not cleaning your house for you," sneered Malfoy.

"Then you'll have to make sure you _and_ Lina don't lose, won't you?" said Ginny, a smirk on her face. "Unless, of course, you want to pull out."

"We won't have to clean their house," said Lina confidently to Malfoy. "Because _we_ will win, and they'll be doing what _we_ want."

Malfoy nodded, a smirk on his face. "And what _we_ want are some personal servants to boss around."

"Servants? How aristocratic of you two when you already have an elf," retorted Harry icily. "Besides, you two are barking mad if you think you're going to win! A pureblood who doesn't know anything else besides magic and his girlfriend who barely does anything basic without magic! Don't make me laugh."

"Afraid, Potter?" asked Lina sweetly, raising an eyebrow.

"Of _Dralina?_ No and I never will be," retorted Harry, looking her dead in the eyes.

"So, are we on?" asked Hermione. "I can't _wait_ to introduce my new history club members!"

"Oh, we're _on,"_ everyone agreed.

"Wait," drawled Malfoy. "People don't have _eyes_ in the back of their head. How are you going to know whether we use magic or not? We can just do it away from everyone."

"Why am I not surprised _you,_ of all the people here, asked this?" asked Hermione exasperatedly.

"...He has a point, you know," chimed in Ron, but was ignored. Harry also looked like he wanted to agree.

"Of course _you'd_ be the one to play dirty," retorted Ginny. "Thankfully, I trust that at least your girlfriend shows some honorable decency."

"Honorable decency? _Lina-flower?"_ he laughed, looking at her. "Just this morning, she charmed the floor to make it slippery because she thought it'd be funny to watch me slide everywhere! Actually, I think I like this challenge. Now you'll have to find Muggle ways to fuck me over," he informed her.

"Shouldn't be hard," muttered Lina.

Ron laughed heartily.

"Since I apparently cannot trust _any_ of you," said Hermione, her nose in the air. "There is a spell out there that puts a trace on people. If you wish to participate in this challenge, you will have to perform it on yourself. As I said before, magic you do for your job is the only exception here. You have to do everything that a Muggle does. No brooms, Ginny, unless you're on the field! No house-elves, believe me, Malfoy, if Eloise lifts a finger to help you two, I'll find out! Nothing."

They all hesitated. "Do you lot want to win your bets or not?" she asked them, and they, following their orders, each put the spell on themselves.

Hermione smirked,

"And now, it's on."

* * *

 _Day one: Hinny._

"...How are we going to get home?" asked Ginny.

"Easy, we take a train," said Harry, taking her hand. "C'mon, we'll have a look at the schedule…"

They peered at the map. Ginny put a finger on the map. "If we want to get back to Grimmauld, then we have to take train 42."

"See, we've got this," said Harry confidently, kissing his girlfriend. "I bet Lina and Malfoy don't even know how to find a train schedule, if they can even make their way home without biting each other's heads off!"

They both cackled, as they made their way to the station.

* * *

 _Day one: Dralina._

"Potter and his Weaslette think they're so _tough,"_ said Draco. "I bet we can find a way home."

"They're probably going to have to actually go through finding a train," snorted Lina. "TAXI!" she screamed, holding up a hand, and one of the yellow cars nearby immediately stopped for them.

Draco smirked. He'd forgotten about taxis for a moment, and was beyond glad she remembered.

"Where to?" the guy inside called, as they got in.

"There's a line of cottages up in Brixton," said Lina. "Take us there, please."

The taxi driver nodded and sped off.

They both smirked with glee at each other in the back. " _Team Dralina for the win,"_ they whispered, shaking hands on it.

* * *

 _Day one: Romione._

"Ron," called Hermione, her voice sweet. "Can you fetch me my book?"

"Your book's right there, go get it yourself," he snapped at her. For the past hour, she'd been making him increasingly more and more tempted to use magic. She was right; she was _not_ going to make this easy for him.

"Ron, please," she said, her voice soft. "My feet hurt."

He sighed loudly, before going to retrieve her book. "Am I going to receive _any_ sort of help from you? Do you really want to clean Harry and Ginny's house? They never clean! Or serve Lina and Malfoy? Those two would make our lives hell for their own amusement and you know it!"

"I will indeed aid you, Ron," said Hermione airily. "I do not intend to see neither Dralina nor Hinny victorious. But to be fair, I cannot make it so easy. When the time is just right, I will aid you."

Ron sighed, deeply. He just really wanted his Auror work done for two weeks.

* * *

 _Day one: Hinny._

Once they got home, Harry and Ginny went straight to the kitchen and began cooking a hearty meal. Both could cook considerably well, Harry from being forced to make meals for the Dursleys, and Ginny from being taught extensively by her mother.

"We'll be getting free cleaning service in two weeks," she said, winking.

"I can't wait," said Harry, grinning at her.

They should really clean this place themselves, but somehow it gave the couple more satisfaction to imagine Lina, Ron, and Malfoy being forced to scrub the place.

"Ron's going to crack so quickly, I can feel it," said Ginny with glee. "As for Malfoy and Lina...well, last time I checked, neither knew how to cook. They keep a house-elf and wands for that, and now they can't use either."

* * *

 _Day one: Dralina._

They got home, and Lina was immediately greeted with tiny arms. "Mistress is home!" cried Eloise, their house-elf. "Could Eloise be getting Master and Mistress some food?"

"We can't," whispered Draco to Lina, his voice strained.

"We _have to,"_ said Lina firmly. "Eloise," she said sweetly, leaning down and kissing her elf on the cheek. "Draco's mother could really use a helping hand at the Manor. We want you to go there until we say otherwise."

Eloise started sobbing. "I don't want to leave! Mistress is so nice to me here! The nicest woman ever! Don't free me!"

"It'll only be for a short spell, Eloise," said Lina softly. "Go to the Manor, please."

With that, she disappeared with a _crack._

"Great," said Draco sourly, "Our cook's gone."

"We would've lost the bet!" retorted Lina. "Your mother will take good care of Eloise! You know that! Do you _want_ to clean Harry's house without magic? And don't you want to see the looks on their faces when we win?"

Draco paused, before he nodded. "So what do we do?"

Lina hesitated, before she grabbed her phone. "Takeout."

"We can't eat _takeout_ for two weeks, I'm trying to watch my figure!" protested Draco.

" _What_ figure?" snorted Lina, opening up her phone.

"The one you scream ' _harder!'_ into at least once a week. Such a hard one to please in bed, flower," he winked at her, and she gave him an extremely appalled look.

"Fine, we'll rely on Blaise and Daphne a bit, but _stop talking about that!"_

* * *

 _Day two: Hinny._

"Ginny," murmured Harry in bed, trying to get his sleeping wife to stir. He kissed her cheek. "Gin. _Gin._ Love, you need to wake up."

"Why?" said Ginny groggily, sitting up in bed, looking at the clock. "It's _7am!_ My Quidditch practice isn't for another hour, you'd better have a good reason for waking me up this early, Harry Potter!"

"Because you can't Apparate there, love," said Harry. "You have to take the train there, as do I to the Ministry. I'll get to see how utterly frazzled both Ron and Lina probably are -"

That perked up Ginny, and she immediately got out of bed. The couple, not used to being up at this hour, got ready. She got some scrambled eggs ready, while Harry pulled over his Auror robes.

" _Acci -"_

"Harry! No!" cried Ginny desperately, and Harry paused, realizing what he nearly did. "You woke me up for a reason! Do you _want_ to go to a boring history club? Do you _want_ to see the arrogant smirks on Lina and Malfoy's faces?"

"Right. Sorry," he said quickly. "We've got this. Let's continue getting ready."

"Of course," she smiled warmly at him, as they grabbed their stuff and went towards the train.

* * *

 _Day two: Romione._

In the morning, Ron woke up to Hermione shaking him. "Ron, wake up!" she insisted. "You'll be late for work otherwise!"

Ron groaned. "Mione, it's _6:30_ in the bloody morning!"

"I know, but you can't Apparate," she reminded him.

Ron wanted to yell at her, but then he envisioned having to clean Harry's house for him, or having to do whatever Lina and Malfoy set up for him to do. He got up.

"Good," said Hermione simply. "I'll get some food ready. Then we'll go on the train so we can each make our respective shifts."

Ron had to think long and hard about the benefits of winning this bet, before he finally nodded in agreement.

"You're right. Let's do it."

* * *

 _Day two: Dralina._

The prospect of waking up his girlfriend early so she could take a muggle way to her Auror shift was actually scary. He would actually rather clean Potter's house. He was a natural early riser, but she definitely wasn't.

Then he realized having Potter, Weasley, and Granger at his mercy for two weeks was something he deeply wanted, so he leaned over and gently tried shaking her awake. "Flower."

No response. Just soft snores.

"Flower," he tried again, shaking her harder.

" _Ugh._ Move, _Draco,"_ she groaned, practically shoving him off the bed in her sleep. He stumbled, but regained his balance.

"I swear if you don't wake up, we're going to have to clean Potter's entire house. From head to toe," this he whispered straight into her ear.

"Okay, fine, we'll clean Porter's pub," she said, putting her head in the pillow. She tried pushing him away again. "Now, will you _leave me alone?"_

Draco paused, before he thought of _exactly_ what to do. Chocolate. It always worked with Lina. He went to the pantry and grabbed one of the chocolate bars, opening it and holding it right at her nose.

"Mmm," she said emphatically, literally grabbing the bar and shooting upright awake. "What _time_ is it?" she asked him, eating the bar.

"6:30," he said succinctly.

" _6:30?"_ she demanded. "I didn't need to be up for another hour, I went to bed at four!"

"Yeah, I could tell," he said dryly. "But you have to get to the Ministry using a _Muggle_ transport, flower, not Apparition. Otherwise we'll have to either … clean Potter's house or go to a _Muggle history_ club.

Lina groaned. "I'm up," she said, leaving the bed and going to take a shower.

"Bagel from Blaise, love," said Draco, offering her one as soon as she was ready. The couple munched on their bagels in silence for a moment, before they decided to leave. "We've got this. Personal servants, remember?"

"Personal servants," agreed Lina, a twinkle in her eyes.

* * *

 _Day two: Ron._

He was shaken, but he made it. He walked through the Ministry, and now that he was in the Aurors office, he could use magic. He bumped into someone, and gaped a moment.

"Ronald."

What the _hell?_ He was shaken from taking the wrong train, and there stood Lina, all put together. So she and Malfoy actually _made_ it through the night? Dinner? Everything?

"You don't look too well, Weasley," she simpered, and for a slight moment he couldn't tell the difference between her expression of arrogance and her boyfriend's. "Is the no magic challenge getting to you?"

Ron scoffed. "In your dreams, Quimby," he retorted at her, wondering if Harry was going to be this painful as well. "I might've started out rocky, but believe me, you and Malfoy will lose those smirks before this week's even over. Besides, I bet the only reason you look so put together is because of all that makeup you've got on there."

She gasped in indignation, and Ron smirked.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the _competition,"_ a voice drawled, and they turned to face Harry. "I bet you two wouldn't even _be_ here without your significant other around to wake you up early in the morning? Am I right?"

Neither he nor Lina said anything to that comment, and Harry smirked.

" _I_ bet without Ginny, you accidentally nearly did magic," said Lina coldly, and Harry stayed silent to that one. "Potter."

"You and Malfoy can't even stand each other for four days, let alone complete a two week challenge together," Ron said viciously to Lina.

"Well, I could say the same for you and Hermione," she retorted.

They eyed each other threateningly some more, before they walked off to do their respective jobs. Soon, they had the entire Auror office placing bets on why the three of them, who were usually as close as peas in a pod, were going at each other.

* * *

 _Day two: Lina._

Doing the standard arm-raising, she slid into a taxi after her work, watching from the distance as Harry and Ron went to the trains. Honestly, they haven't figured out about the London taxis yet? She almost felt sorry for them. She heard her phone ring, and she made to answer it.

"Lina, my dearest best friend," it was Hermione's voice, and it sounded sickly-sweet. "How're you doing with the challenge?"

"Draco and I are doing _great,_ contrary to what the likes of you want to think of us," said Lina, in the same tone. "We've nearly gone a whole day through this no magic challenge, and we _will_ win."

"Oh, we'll see," said Hermione. "We'll see. It's only been a day."

"Magic?" said the taxi driver, raising an eyebrow.

Lina paled. "Um...it's an inside joke," she told the driver, before returning to her call. "Be prepared to be our _servants,_ Granger," she added, through clenched teeth, before hanging up.

* * *

 _Day two: Hinny._

Harry and Ginny were slowly realizing that long-term, _they_ had the most going for them.

First of all, the reason Ron probably still hasn't cracked yet is because of Hermione, and they were pretty sure the newfound arrogance that Lina and Malfoy seemed to possess would fade away in a couple days, once they couldn't stand a) the challenge, and b) each other.

They just had to wait a little.

"We've got this," said Ginny at dinner.

"Of course we do," said Harry. "We should probably go and pick out what show we're going to watch while Dralina and Romione clean our entire house."

* * *

 _Day five: Dralina._

" _How_ has Ron not cracked yet?" cried Lina in annoyance, pacing.

"Because Granger's helping him," said Draco easily, munching on a breadstick they got from takeout.

"This whole thing is rigged," she announced. "I'm telling you."

"We're almost there, flower," he assured.

"Almost? We still have to go _nine days!"_ she exclaimed in horror. "Look at this place! We're a mess, we've been ordering takeout and eating at Blaise's for days, it's been taking me longer to find taxis, and I'm not getting enough sleep!"

"You think it's easy for _me?"_ retorted Draco. "I'm the one having to wake _you_ up in the morning! And I miss using magic!"

"Well, without _me,_ there wouldn't be any taxis!"

"Without _me,_ there would be no takeout!" he retorted.

"Ohh! I'm the one that came up with takeout in the first place!" she hissed. "Oh...I miss Apparating."

"I miss Eloise," groaned Draco.

"I miss Accio," added Lina.

"I miss Scourgify," added Draco.

"I miss wandless magic," mused Lina.

"I miss food that isn't takeout," added Draco.

"No! We are _cracking._ We are _cracking,_ Draco! And I can feel it," exclaimed Lina. "We can't turn on each other, and we can't...miss things."

"Well, we can't go on like this for much longer," sighed Draco. "...So that means that we have to actually goad the others into cracking so we don't have to go two weeks without magic."

"But if none of us make the two weeks then we _all_ have to go to Mione's stupid Muggle history book club and read about dead people!" hissed Lina. "We have to do Binns all over again!"

Draco groaned loudly. "There's always something with your lot!"

"With _my_ lot?" exclaimed Lina in fury.

"Yes, your _stupid_ Quartette, who started this shit in the first place!" he snarled at her.

"Don't call the Quartette stupid!" she retorted indignantly.

"You know, if I stayed with Astoria, I would _never_ have to deal with either you or your shit," he said viciously. She took a step back, horrified, and he put a hand to his mouth, knowing he now went way too far.

"I didn't mean that," he said firmly. "Flower, you _know_ I didn't -"

It was too late. The damage was done.

* * *

 _Day six: Harry._

At the Aurors office, Harry and Ron took a break from their feud to observe Lina, who was certainly more subdued than during the challenge's beginning. "See, I _told_ you she'd lose the smirk on her face," said Ron.

"Forget the challenge! I'm worried about _her._ I heard her crying to both Annabeth and Percy over the phone that she and Malfoy got in a fight," said Harry. "And this one was particularly nasty. Apparently, he brought up his ex, Greengrass, and said something about how he should've stayed with her instead. Then Lina said something along the lines of "go stay with her then, and enjoy getting past Nott" and dumped him. Now he's staying with Zabini. It was intense. She denied the whole thing to me when she saw me."

"He what?" cried Ron furiously. "Okay, we _have_ to get permission from Mione to use magic just to beat Malfoy up -"

"Honestly," added Harry.

"So does this mean they're out of the challenge?" asked Ron.

"Technically no. They may not be together at the moment, but Lina's still not using magic, and apparently neither is Malfoy. Mione would've known because of the trace," said Harry.

"We could...beat Malfoy up a la Muggle," suggested Ron. "The good old punch -"

"That's true, we should do that. But I think Lina outright dumping him and ignoring all his messages is good punishment; I saw him yesterday and I've honestly never seen him look so depressed," said Harry honestly.

Ron smirked at the thought.

* * *

 _Day eight: Draco._

"Mate, you've got to go talk to Lina, this is getting ridiculous," said Blaise. "You've just been sulking about here, still doing her challenge thing -"

"She ignored all my messages, so I tried talking to her in person yesterday," insisted Draco. "She slammed the door in my face. I don't even know why I said what I did, I was just so fed up with the no magic challenge at that very moment, but I wouldn't trade her for the world. She should know that."

Blaise sighed. "I...I could try and help you get her back?"

"If you can manage it," sighed Draco, despondently.

* * *

 _Day ten: Romione._

"We're going to win, Mione, I'm sure of it," said Ron to Hermione. "Harry and Ginny have _got_ to crack soon, and Lina, bless her heart...I don't think she and Malfoy are going to make it."

"We'll see," was all Hermione said, not looking up from her book. "I'm surprised you all are still actually doing well. Even Lina and Malfoy. You know, Malfoy _still_ hasn't used magic yet despite what went down?"

"He wants her back, that's why," said Ron, viciously.

"Is that such a bad thing if they got back together?"" asked Hermione, raising an eyebrow. "This isn't the first freak break up they had. They're so sullen without each other, I've seen them both in public over the past few days."

"I suppose not," said Ron, overall wanting happiness for Lina. He stretched on a chair, and without thinking, instinctively said, " _Accio blanket -"_

"Ron, _no!"_ she screamed, but it was too late.

Hermione was glaring at him, and he gulped. "I'm sorry! I don't know why I did it!"

"I guess it's up to Hinny and Dralina now," she said evenly.

* * *

 _Day twelve: Hinny._

They've gone into a routine. Waking up, cooking, work, sleeping. They often had to resist temptation, but they overall have been doing the best job.

But Lina and Malfoy, while broken up, have still not used magic.

"How can we be their personal servants when they're not even together?" reasoned Ginny. "We've beaten Ron and Hermione. We won't have to do history book club if we just hold out for two more days. Even if we all hold out, then we'll at least have two people to clean our house."

"That's true," agreed Harry, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek. "We've nothing to lose, Gin."

* * *

 _Day thirteen: Lina._

Lina got back to her cottage, sighing as she recounted her fight with Draco for the millionth time over the past eight days.

" _You know, if I stayed with Astoria, I would never have to deal with either you or your shit."_

Maybe he was right? She shouldn't have pulled him into her Quartette challenge...now he was gone. But she couldn't trust him, no, not now, not even when he tried to make up.

At least the challenge would be over tomorrow. She had no idea whether Draco made it through, but she, Lina Quimby, was going to win that thing if it killed her, because gods knew if the challenge cost her her boyfriend, she'd at least win it.

She resisted the urge to _Accio, Apparate,_ summon Eloise for emotional support. All of it. Only one more day.

The first thing she was going to do when she won, was Apparate to America to be with Percabeth.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door.

* * *

 _Day thirteen: Draco._

"Are you sure this is going to work?" asked Draco.

"If it doesn't, I'd be surprised. Draco, you need to show her that you will _always_ be there for her and with her," said Blaise. "This letter you wrote? It has it all. I'm going to go and give it to her."

Draco nodded slowly, hoping this would work. He missed her dearly, and dear gods, he regretted what he said.

* * *

 _Day thirteen: Lina._

 _My dearest flower,_

 _Before I begin this letter, I officially want to say that I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, Alina Ruby Quimby, and I will swear that to the Styx and to the gods._

 _I never meant to hurt you. There is absolutely no excuse for what I said to you. I am so sorry. I know that we're prone to pushing each other's buttons, and maybe mine was pushed a bit too far. We say things we don't mean, but there is absolutely no excuse for this. I crossed a line._

 _You need to know that you and whatever you put me through make my life full. There is a big Lina-shaped hole in my heart at the moment, and it hurts like hell._

 _I don't deserve for you to take me back, but all I want you to get from this is that my life without you is ridiculous. I mean, what am I supposed to do, hang out with_ Zabini _all the time? Sometimes he can be so boring._

 _What am I supposed to do, get a stiff pureblood girl? No excitement. Just the same motions day after day, after day, after day. I'd rather go insane._

 _I am the happiest when with you. You are loved by me, and I do not 'deal with you and your shit.' I_ love _you and your shit._

 _Love,_

 _Draco._

 _P.S. - I'm still doing the challenge. The challenge is tied to you, and I love you. We could, indeed, still have personal servants ;)_

Lina sighed as she closed up the letter, tears coming to her face. "Tell Draco to come home," she said emphatically to Blaise. His features fell into a grin, and he left her to her thoughts.

* * *

 _Day fourteen: Dralina._

"These couple days have been excruciating without you, flower," admitted Draco.

"I hate to say this, but I'm going to have to agree," sighed Lina. "And...it's been two weeks."

They noticed Harry and Ginny sitting further in the pub. It was like it happened in slow motion...Harry accidentally spilled food on his lap...and Ginny, feeling bad for him, used _Scourgify…_

The couple stood up, triumphantly. "We won! We won! We won!" they didn't care who heard them, and Harry and Ginny turned to them in horror.

"That's right, Potter, we're together again, and now you're going to have to become our personal servants," smirked Draco, high-fiving Lina.

" _Finally,_ we can use magic!" added Lina, literally Disapparating to the same spot to prove a point.

"We can summon Eloise again!" added Draco cheerfully. They were too busy basking in their glee before Ginny pointed something out.

"Hate to break it to you, but...Mione said...we had to make it _through_ fourteen days. Not _during_ the fourteenth day," said Ginny pointedly.

"Um...we made it through two weeks," deadpanned Lina. "I don't see what else we need to do?"

"No, she's right," said Hermione suddenly, walking in the pub. "I said _through_ fourteen days. This day still counted, so therefore, _I_ win."

"You don't mean…" Lina's eyes widened in horror.

"She means…" added Harry, having the same expression.

"May I introduce the new members for my Muggle history club this month?" asked Hermione, grinning wickedly, and they all groaned.

* * *

 **a/n: i hope you enjoyed this fic, and ily all!**

 **please r &r :)**

 **-ana**


	9. the summary secret (for celia)

**the summary secret**

 **a/n: for celia, because she wanted a sequel to 'the no-magic challenge', so of course, i delivered. enjoy love. here are the characters at the muggle history club x**

 **note: in the early 2000s, where this takes place, there were 'book versions' of sparknotes. credit goes to my friend abs for bringing up york notes :) disclaimer: i do not own any of the history books mentioned! all credit goes to the authors!**

 **also: coronavirus. i'm off for three weeks, that might mean that i might be more active on the site itself, but it depends on my muse. please please please stay safe and healthy guys! remember to wash your hands and take precautions. ily all and i want y'all healthy!**

 **enjoy :)**

* * *

"May I introduce the new members that we're going to have this month?" said Hermione cheerily, waving the group inside.

Behind her, Harry, Ron, and Ginny definitely didn't want to be there, but they smiled at the group nonetheless.

Lina and Malfoy trailed behind them, giving off a colder vibe than the others. The former was openly dabbing at her makeup, and the latter didn't even _try_ to hide his annoyed expression as his eyes scanned the room. He sneered at a guy eyeing the oblivious Lina, and reached down to hold her free hand.

The leader of the club was Rebekah, a woman in her forties, and the members of the club consisted of several people ranging from ages fifteen all the way through sixty.

"This is my boyfriend, Ron Weasley," she said in her cheerful tone, and he waved a hand hello. "These are my close friends, Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley, who are also a couple."

Harry and Ginny smiled and said hello to the group. "The _best_ thing about Muggles is that at least they don't know us or ask for our autographs," whispered Harry to Ginny, who nodded happily.

"Back there's my best friend, Lina Quimby, with her boyfriend, Draco Malfoy," she said, wrapping introductions.

Lina looked up and waved, while Malfoy merely gave a curt nod. Hermione bit back saying something to him; _she didn't, after all, tell people how they had to_ act _at the club as part of the bet._

"It's always great to see new members! I'm Rebekah, welcome, welcome!" said Rebekah, looking at them cheerfully. "Great job recruiting all your friends, Hermione!"

"Yeah, I'm not her friend," Malfoy muttered to Lina, who snorted.

"I'm not claiming _Granger_ at the moment either," she muttered in reply to him.

Hermione snorted at their misery. "Mione, I'm sick," said Ron. "I think I'd better just go home…" but she grabbed his arm and pulled him closer; she wasn't going to fall for that.

" _You all_ lost the bet, so now you have to complete _your_ end of the bargain," said Hermione in a sing-song tone.

"Take a seat, take a seat!" said Rebekah, and they all sat down at one of the tables.

"Last week's discussion went well, and now I've decided what book we will move on to. This week, we're going to read a novel called _One Summer: America, 1927,_ by Bill Bryson," said Rebekah, smiling. "It's one of my favorites! It's sort of explained in the title, it describes a summer in 1927...and covers important events in such a unique way."

Hermione's eyes lit up. Harry and Ginny looked at each other in apprehension. Lina's eyebrows raised when she saw the amount of pages in the book.

"There's _no way_ I'm reading all that in a week!" she hissed to Malfoy.

Rebekah began handing them the copies of the books. "I need someone strong to come outside and help me haul the snacks in. It's a lot, but I'll give whoever helps me some extra chocolate."

Ron was about to stand up, anything to be away from this club and that book that looked like it'd be a pain to read, but a certain chocoholic in the group immediately beat him to it. "I will," said Lina adamantly, immediately standing up. Malfoy snorted in amusement.

"Thank you," smiled Rebekah, and Hermione watched as her best friend left the room with her. She looked at the book, smiled softly, and began reading.

* * *

"Whoa, you sure you've got all that?" said Rebekah, amazed at the younger woman's strength.

"I've got it," replied Lina, carrying the large box of chips and cookies. She entered the room, dropping them off. She eyed the reading group. It was obvious Ron was pretending to read the book, as his was quite literally upside down. He eyed the food she and Rebekah bought beadily.

Hermione looked fully immersed in it, typical. Harry was obviously pretending as well, and Ginny looked like she was actually attempting to read it, but was failing. Draco was staring at the book, wondering whether it was worth it to even open it.

The refreshments were passed out, with Lina getting extra chocolate as promised. She took her old seat next to her boyfriend. "When do you reckon this is _over,_ flower?" asked Draco through clenched teeth.

"It's _got_ to be over soon," sighed Lina. "C'mon, Drake, let's pretend to read this shit."

With that, the two of them opened their books. The floating letters instinctively made Lina reach for her reading glasses, but even with them on, she found the book to be incredibly boring. She just stayed on the same page, choosing to gaze at the towering clock instead.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, they were interrupted by Rebekah saying "five minutes left of reading before we part for today!"

Lina sighed in relief, looking at her boyfriend. "That's _so_ good to hear."

Draco looked confused for a minute, before he immediately turned to look at his girlfriend. "You're right, flower," he said uneasily. "We'll be out of this Muggle history club in no time."

"Are you alright?" asked Lina. His tone made her feel a little uneasy.

"I'm fine," he said, in the same conflicted tone, giving her an assuring smile.

* * *

A couple days later, Lina, Harry, Ginny, Ron, Fred, and George were hanging out in a Leaky Cauldron booth, looking down at the books with distaste.

"See, children, this is why you don't bet with Hermione," snorted Fred.

"There's _no way_ we're actually going to finish these by next Sunday," deadpanned Lina.

"I tried, but couldn't get into it," frowned Ginny. "Nobody could. Lina, do you know how Malfoy's doing on it?"

"Whenever I even so much as _bring it up_ to Draco, he _casually_ tries to change the subject," said Lina, taking a bite into her cheeseburger. "I doubt he's going to read it, to be honest. His aversion to a Muggle history club is even stronger than ours."

"We _have_ to find some sort of summary or something," said Ron. "That way, we can bullshit the discussion and make it look like we know things."

Harry nodded. "It's the only way we're going to get through this month."

"Have you lot heard of York Notes?" asked George, raising an eyebrow. "It's basically a series of books where you can find short summaries."

"Take us to these York Notes immediately," said Lina, without hesitation.

"How do you two know about these so-called York Notes?" asked Ron suspiciously.

"We have our resources," said Fred mischievously, winking at them all. "It does, however, take research to find what _exactly_ you're looking for. So, dear children, how may we help you?"

"You _do_ realize most of us are twenty, right?" exclaimed Ron indignantly, but was waved off.

"The book we need is _One Summer: America, 1927,_ by Bill Bryson," said Ginny in a matter-of-fact tone.

The twins wrote that down. "We'll try and get this as soon as we can. I mean...I don't care about the rest of you lot, but anything for my favorite prankster," winked Fred, and Lina grinned and nodded in thanks. "Or...we could keep you squirming for a bit longer…"

"You'd better not," said Ginny, her voice low.

* * *

Lina sighed, opening the door to her cottage, where she was, as per usual, greeted enthusiastically by Eloise. "Mistress is home!" she cried cheerfully.

"Draco's here, right?" asked Lina.

"All he be doing is reading this book!" said Eloise. "A … _Muggle_ book! Eloise would never have expected it! That one! Yes! The one Mistress is holding, an exact copy!"

"An exact copy?" said Lina in disbelief. Would Draco...actually be reading this boring-as-shit book for fun? "Eloise, are you certain?"

"I would never lie to Mistress Lina!" gasped Eloise, her voice indignant. "Allow me to show you, I can prove it!"

Lina followed her elf upstairs, to where Draco was. He immediately moved, as if he was hiding something.

"He - he was just reading it!" cried Eloise, "The Muggle book!"

"What are you talking about, Eloise?" asked Draco smoothly, and the house-elf burst into tears, wailing on the floor. He winced at that sudden action, clearly not expecting it.

"If it were _really_ nothing," fired back Lina. "Why is our elf having a panic attack on our floor? Come now, Eloise dear, come...I know you're not lying." Lina eventually managed to coax Eloise off the floor, and ordered her off to rest.

"Who could believe it?" asked Lina in disbelief, snickering. " _The_ Draco Malfoy is an aficionado for Muggle history novels!"

Draco sighed, loudly. "You know, flower, I hate to say it, but the reading...actually isn't so bad. It's actually quite interesting. But you can't tell _anyone,_ you hear me, Lina?" threatened Draco. "Nobody, especially Granger, can _ever_ know that I actually _like_ this book-"

"Well, _I'm_ about to go to sleep trying to read this shit. So, you'd better tell me summaries of what happens so that I can pretend to Mione that I actually _read_ it," said Lina.

"And if I _don't?"_ asked Draco.

She grinned evilly. "Then I suppose I'll just give the rest of the Quartette _and_ Blaise a call, and tell them -"

"Alright!" he said quickly. "Alright, flower, you win, I'll write you easy summaries so you can lie to Granger."

Lina's face twisted into a smirk. "We have a deal, then, don't we, love?" she said softly. "I keep your secret, in exchange for my lot and I never having to actually read the books."

* * *

Harry, Ron, and Ginny now each had a copy of a concise summary of _One Summer: America, 1927,_ courtesy of Lina.

After Fred and George found out that York Notes unfortunately did not have summaries for this book, they were at a loss what to do until now.

"Where did you get these from?" asked Ron incredulously, looking at the easy-to-read short summaries written in neat, flowing, handwriting that clearly weren't done by Lina herself.

"I have my connections," she said, her voice cryptic.

"Well, they're perfect! We'll _definitely_ be able to fool Mione now!" said Harry, his voice triumphant.

"She's going to be so confused at discussion," said Ron, imagining her face when they talked about the 'structure' of the novel.

They all laughed heartily at the thought, each of them working on studying their summary for tomorrow's meeting.

* * *

Hermione was a hundred percent sure that nobody in the group actually read the book, and just straight out lied to her that they did. Once discussion played out though, she was certain she'd catch them.

Lina and Malfoy, for one, looked too confident. Yes, they were a confident couple overall, but she called bull on both of them having actually read the book. Malfoy despised most things Muggle, and the only thing Lina reads (barely) is her Auror papers.

"I hope everyone enjoyed One Summer: America, 1927, by Bill Bryson!" said Rebekah, in her usual cheerful tone. "So, as you all know, today is discussion week! Does anyone want to start us off?"

Lina raised her hand, and a smiling Rebekah gestured for her to go ahead.

"I absolutely loved the detail Bryson used when he described Babe Ruth's assault on the home run record. He used amazing rhetorical analysis in that section," she said breathlessly.

Hermione gaped. She knew her best friend, and that thought was not formulated by her.

"Going off what my girlfriend said," said Malfoy, looking extremely smug. "It's interesting how Bryson weaves events that happened in 1927 together. Especially his seamless transition from Charles Lindbergh's feat in crossing the Atlantic to Babe Ruth's journey. His imagery and personalities of the characters were spot-on."

Ron raised his hand afterwards. "And the trial of Ruth Snyder! Bryson built just the right amount of suspense in the book to keep the reader hooked."

"I'm so glad you all enjoyed the book," gushed Rebekah, "Oh, I love getting new readers involved! Let's keep it going."

Oh, PLEASE. Now she just had to find out where the hell they got this information!

Hermione gushed, "The finale was perfect. He wrote it excellently, with the bankers meeting up and all. Now, I am not saying that the ending was a happy one, but it perfectly managed to foreshadow the events of the Great Depression."

"I agree with you a hundred percent," said Rebekah, giving Hermione a small smile.

"I thought Al Capone's story was interesting," Edward, a book club regular, brought up.

"Yes," said Ginny fervently. "That was my favorite part, not because of what he did, but just the way it was written. The approach on corruption through booze was presented to the audience in an amazing way."

"I agree with my girlfriend," said Harry, nodding. "And the transition to the first motion picture! Splendid!"

Hermione gaped at them both. Maybe Ginny read it…? Doubtful, but she was more likely to than the others.

"Alvin 'Shipwreck' Kelly. Twelve days! It's amazing how Bryson was able to bring all these important historical figures to the table!" said Sharon, another regular, emphatically.

As the discussion continued, Hermione was getting more and more confused. She could go and swear upon her magic that half those thoughts were not formulated by her friends! Something wasn't right…

* * *

"Mione, how could you think so low of me?"

"You did not formulate those thoughts, Lina!" exclaimed Hermione in exasperation. "And neither did the rest of you!"

"Yes, I did! You said to read the book, and I did so," said Lina in a matter-of-fact tone.

"You know, Granger, I don't appreciate you putting down my girlfriend like this," said Malfoy in a nasal sort of tone. "Why _wouldn't_ she read the book?"

"You and I both know very well that she didn't read the book," said Hermione to Malfoy bluntly. "And whatever they did, I know you're in on it too!"

"You're something else, Granger. You told us 'since you lost the bet, you have to read the books.' And we did," said Malfoy sardonically. "And now, you're questioning us."

"You will never hear this from me again, Mione," said Ron, "But Malfoy has a point there. Don't you trust us?"

"No!" cried Hermione. "I'm going to get to the bottom of this, believe me!"

* * *

Later that evening, Hermione was about to join Ron in bed when she stumbled upon a rather interesting piece of parchment, and her eyes widened at the title:

' _One Summer: America, 1927' summary._

She _knew_ it! She _knew_ that there was no way that they could come up with that information on their own!

The real question was, _where_ did Ron and the others get these summaries from?

"Ronald," called Hermione, and her voice was stern. "Come here. Now."

Tentatively, he walked down the stairs. Everyone knew a pissed off Hermione was nearly as bad as a pissed off Lina.

"Alright, Mione, what did I do?" he asked, already holding his arms up in surrender.

"I _stumbled upon_ this sheet of paper just now," said Hermione. She handed the paper over to him, and she relished the way his eyes widened in horror.

" _Um…"_ started Ron hesitantly, and he sounded extremely unsure. "I just used it as an aid...an aid to help me as I read the book. I got it off York Notes…"

Hermione scanned the neatly-written summary, with all sorts of details. This summary seemed almost Slytherin-esque, in a way, because it was different in the fact that while it was a concise summary, it had an emphasis in highlighting points that could be used in discussions.

"I'll have you know that I _checked_ York Notes," huffed Hermione, "And what I found was that this book wasn't even located there. So, Ronald, you should probably tell me where you got _this_ from."

"I have _no_ idea," he insisted, but she could tell that he was lying.

"You should _tell me_ where you got that summary, Ronald," said Hermione in a threatening voice. "Or I'm not going to a) make out with you, and b) make that lasagna you love so much, for a _week."_

Ron looked absolutely horrified. "Of course, this wouldn't even be an issue if you just tell me where you got the summary from," she said sweetly. She walked close to him and leaned in so that her lips were mere centimeters away from his, but then he pulled away immediately.

He shuddered, clearly conflicted. "I got them from Lina and she got them from someone else, okay!" he exclaimed without thinking, and his eyes widened immediately.

While Lina never actually threatened them or sworn them to secrecy, he had a chilling feeling that she was personally going to make him regret divulging the secret to Hermione.

"Thank you for your cooperation, Ron," beamed Hermione, a twinkle in her eyes as she leaned in to kiss him.

"Now that I've told you, you have to protect me from the wrath of _Lina_ ," said Ron immediately, leaving no tone to argue.

Hermione raised an eyebrow, looking at him. "Why would I need to protect you from our Lina? She would never _hurt a fly."_

"Don't _joke_ like that!" cried Ron indignantly.

"Okay, done," said Hermione assuringly. "You, dear Ron, are now under my protection."

* * *

"Lina! I'm glad to have caught you," a breathless voice came out of nowhere that made her jump as she closed the door to her Auror office.

"Mione," greeted Lina in shock. "Hey. What brings you here?"

Lina looked in bewilderment to see that her best friend's eyes were piercing, and she was holding up a piece of parchment.

" _This_ is what brings me here," she said, waving it in Lina's face. Lina's eyes widened in horror when she saw that it was one of the summary copies Draco wrote.

"I - I don't know what that is," she said evenly. "We all read the book. You should trust us. Dearest Mione, I told you before, surely you wouldn't think I'd go that low?"

"Save it," she said, her voice cold. "I found _these,_ and after a little digging, found out that _you_ got them from someone else."

" _Which one of them ratted me out?"_ exclaimed Lina furiously, not even denying it anymore.

"I have my ways," was all Hermione said about the matter. "I want to know _who_ would write you those summaries. _Who_ would write a summary that well, practically made for a discussion?"

"I'm not telling you who wrote me the summaries," said Lina, defensively. "It's confidential! I don't care what you say, I'm _not_ telling you who wrote them! _Nothing_ that you say or do for me will beat what the person who wrote me the summaries offers me."

"What if...I stopped helping you with Auror work?"

"Fine."

"What if...I stopped making you that delicious fondue you loved so much? What if I stopped giving you all the heavy emotional support I do? Face it, Lina, you _need_ me!"

"Oh, Mione," crooned Lina softly, cupping a hand to her best friend's cheek. "Yes, I need you, but I don't need you for _everything._ Desperation _really_ isn't a good color for you, love. And Rebekah and the others are going to think we're interested in the books, and there's absolutely _nothing_ you can do about it."

Hermione was flustered. "I-"

Practically cackling, Lina merely Disapparated right in front of her.

* * *

"I have half a mind to leave you all squirming in the gutter and not give you any more summaries!" snapped Lina, pacing. They were at Harry and Ginny's place, and the couple watched her calmly.

Meanwhile, poor Ron was positively trembling. This was it. She was going to find out, and nobody was here to protect him.

" _Which one of you idiots ratted me out to_ Hermione?" she hissed at them, her eyes narrowed to slits.

"It wasn't us," said Harry firmly, motioning to himself and Ginny.

"Nor me," said Ron, his voice shaking.

Lina immediately turned to Ron. "I suppose she said something like _no making out_ or _no food_ to get you to tell on me," she said viciously, mimicking Hermione's higher-pitched tone.

"You have no proof it was me!" said Ron, gaining more confidence in his voice.

"Oh, _don't I?"_ asked Lina. "If it truly wasn't you, Ronald, then all three of you can swear on your magic to me that you _didn't_ tell Mione."

"I, Harry Potter, swear on my magic that I did not tell Hermione about the summaries," said Harry firmly.

"And I, Ginny Weasley, also swear on my magic that I did not tell Hermione about the summaries," added Ginny.

"I - I - Ron Weasley swear on my…" Ron started, but couldn't finish. Losing his magic was a terrible thought. Plus, Lina couldn't hurt him _that_ badly, right?

"Mate, it's not worth losing your magic over," said Harry, patting his best friend on the back in sympathy.

"I _knew_ it," she snarled.

"Okay, what are you going to do to me?" asked Ron, trying to keep his bravado.

"Oh, nothing physical," said Lina, shrugging and moving away. "However, future summaries I give out to Harry and Ginny will be charmed by the summary writer so that you specifically can't read them, and I know how much Mione wants you to actually _read_ the book this time!"

"You _wouldn't,"_ gasped Ron, in horror.

Turns out, she would. And she can.

* * *

"I want to know _who_ gave everyone those summaries," said Hermione adamantly. " _Which one_ of Lina's many connections is responsible for ensuring that none of you guys get enlightened through these books?"

"Mione, you should have _known_ we were never going to actually read them," yawned Ron, taking a bite of a bagel.

"Well, you _should._ Just one, at least -"

"How about _I_ make a deal with _you?"_ asked Ron. " _You_ help me through this month. You give me summaries, and in exchange, I'll help you investigate who those summaries came from."

"Why don't you just use _her_ summaries?" huffed Hermione, literally spitting out the word _her._

" _Because,_ when she found out that I ratted her out, she said she's not going to let me use them anymore," said Ron. "You said you'd protect me, Mione."

Hermione hesitated, but nodded. "It's a deal. Now, let's investigate."

"Let's think of all the nerds she knows," said Ron. "You, for starters, but you don't count -"

Hermione gave him a withering look. "What about her own boyfriend? He was second in the year, you know, he probably has at least _some_ booksmarts...it makes some sense-"

"Malfoy?" scoffed Ron. "He hates everything Muggle!"

"Well...true," sighed Hermione. She sat back, deep in thought.

* * *

"What do you mean, _Granger's onto us?"_ hissed Draco.

"She's _never_ going to find out it's us behind this," said Lina confidently. "You hate everything Muggle, according to her, so you'd be crossed off immediately!"

"But how'd she find out about the summaries in the first place, flower?" asked Draco.

"Ron has a big mouth," Lina finally said, after some silence.

"I knew it would be one of the Weasels that ruined it," he huffed. "I should've just given them to _you,_ not let you distribute them out to Potter and Weasel -"

"Look, I didn't want to give Mione the satisfaction. Didn't you see her face during the discussion? Wasn't that worth it?" pressed Lina. "Besides, she is _never_ going to find out it's us, I'm _sure of it._ Nevertheless, I'm still punishing Ron - he shouldn't be getting any more access."

"He better not," huffed Draco. "Nobody can know -"

"That _the_ Draco Malfoy is aficionado for Muggle history novels, I know," winked Lina, as the two leaned in for a kiss.

* * *

After another week of reading, this time with a book called _A People's History of the United States_ by Howard Zinn, and those blasted summaries getting everyone through discussion, Hermione was getting increasingly annoyed.

"What if...someone from the States was involved? Annabeth, perhaps?" asked Hermione.

"Annabeth has just as much morality as you, if not more," reasoned Ron. "And values reading. There's no way she'd give out summaries to Lina and let her get away with not reading things."

"She's _still_ more of a suspect than Malfoy. We should probably call her to make sure," said Hermione.

Ron closed his eyes in exasperation. He wished she'd just drop this already, honestly. "Okay, let's call her then," he said, knowing he wouldn't be able to convince her otherwise.

"I'll be back." Hermione pulled out her phone and dialed Annabeth's number.

"...Hermione?" Annabeth's surprised voice came through her phone. "Hey! How are you? Is everything okay with you, love? With Lina?"

"Everything's fine," was Hermione's breathless reply, "I just have a quick question that I want to ask you. Do you...know about Muggle history novels?"

" _History novels?"_ Hermione could hear Annabeth's voice grow eager and excited. "Oh, I just _love_ history novels!"

" _Really?"_ asked Hermione, her eyes widening. "Maybe I'll give you some recs later…but has Lina ever...told you something in relation to them?"

"...No," said Annabeth, after a moment of thought. "And I don't see why she would, honestly, giraffes will start flying before I see Lina actually sitting down and reading a history novel."

"So, she's never mentioned anything to you about the no-magic challenge? Or the Muggle history book club?" pressed Hermione.

"She _did_ mention to me about the no-magic challenge," said Annabeth. "She told me about it when she talked about her fight with Malfoy, but she never told me anything about a Muggle history book club."

Hermione paused for a moment. So that meant that Annabeth was _not_ a suspect anymore.

"Well, now you have to tell me what it is," said Annabeth insistently. "At this point, you've piqued my interest!"

"Well, if the no-magic challenge bets were lost by _everyone,_ which they _were,_ then the punishment would be that all of them: Ron, Lina, Malfoy, Harry, and Ginny, would have to take part in the Muggle history book club that I attend," said Hermione.

She was met by loud laughter and snorting from Annabeth. " _That group?_ Read history novels?"

"I knew it'd be lovely for me to watch, and painful for them to _do_ so," shrugged Hermione. "But they've found a loophole. They've managed to find _perfect_ summaries for discussion."

"So, you wanted them to _read_ the books," said Annabeth. "That was the deal. And they found summaries instead? I don't want to say the word _typical,_ but -"

"These summaries are different," insisted Hermione. "They're _so_ easy to understand, and it's as if they're prepared and scripted for a discussion. I'm trying to figure out the mystery of where they came from: _Lina_ is the one that has been supplying them."

"So _that's_ why you called me," summed up Annabeth. "Rest assured, it wasn't me. Fire-Girl would _know_ not to ask me for a summary of any sort. ...Have you considered her boyfriend, though? Wasn't he the salutatorian of your class?"

"Malfoy would _never_ actually read a Muggle history novel, let alone make summaries for Lina," said Hermione adamantly, shaking her head.

"You'd be surprised. Those novels can be addicting for someone who values literature, despite prejudice," said Annabeth. "I'd look into that."

Hermione paused for a moment. "Are you sure?"

"Trust me," was the confident reply. "Of course, I can't be _entirely_ sure it's him. She could very well be getting them from another source, but what _I'm_ saying is that you shouldn't count him out of your investigation just yet."

"Alright," said Hermione dryly. "I'll take a look into _Dralina_ and see. Have a great day!"

"Oh, you too, Hermione! Say hi to Fire-Girl for me!"

With that, she hung up the phone. "Well, Mione?" Ron asked her, raising an eyebrow. "What'd she say?"

"She said we should _look into_ Malfoy more as a suspect. That these history novels can be addicting for someone who loves literature, despite any prejudice that person may have. He might not be the one, and he probably isn't, but a little investigation never hurt anyone."

"I already _told_ you, he _hates_ everything Muggle!" insisted Ron exasperatedly, a twinge of distaste in his voice.

"I know," sighed Hermione. "But Annabeth said we should consider it, and...face it, I can't think of anyone else."

"So how exactly _are_ you going to try and catch Malfoy in the act?" asked Ron, raising an eyebrow.

"Well...first, I'm going to present the idea to both Lina and Malfoy the next time I see the pair together. I'll look for signs in them that feel like they're lying, if they cover themselves up just _too much -"_

Ron gave her a look that clearly read ' _you're insane, but carry on.'_

* * *

It was during the next history club meeting, in which they were now set to read _The Right Stuff_ by Tom Wolfe, that Hermione decided to confront Lina and Malfoy.

"Hey guys," said Hermione cheerily, blocking the couple's path to the exit.

"Hey, Mione," greeted Lina warmly.

"What do _you_ want, Granger?" asked Malfoy coolly, causing Lina to elbow him.

"So, you two know that I know the summaries exist, right?" she said, raising an eyebrow. "And that I _really_ want to know where they came from?"

It only happened for a split-second, but Malfoy's face turned pale.

"Yes," said Lina, rather coldly now. "We know."

"What does it even _matter,_ Granger?" asked Malfoy rudely. "The bet was simple: we participate in the little club. You never specified _how_ we participated, so flower using summaries is technically not against anything."

"I'm going to cut to the point here," said Hermione, directly eyeing Malfoy, who for a split second, went pale again. "After some investigation, I have reason to suspect that you, Malfoy, _wrote_ the summaries."

"What _kind_ of investigation?" snapped Lina defensively, as Malfoy sneered at Hermione. "Draco doesn't even _like_ Muggle-based history!"

"The idea is _ridiculous!_ All you're doing at this point is spouting utter _nonsense,_ and quite honestly, I can be doing better things with my time," said Malfoy loftily. "Flower, c'mon, let's go."

Before she could say anything further, they pushed past her and Disapparated.

"They're involved in something," said Hermione quickly, as soon as she heard Ron's footsteps approaching. "They wouldn't have been so...cold and defensive...if they weren't."

"Okay, I'll admit it, the pair of them _did_ act a bit dodgy," relented Ron.

* * *

"See, I _told you._ If it weren't him, then they wouldn't act so suspicious," reasoned Annabeth logically.

"I suppose you were right," said Hermione. "But _how_ do I catch him?"

"Easy," she said. "Lina gave you a key for emergencies, correct?"

Hermione nodded. "But I can't exactly break into-"

"Do you _want_ to catch him red-handed in the act, or don't you?" asked Annabeth.

Hermione pursed her lips, debating between two aspects of her morality: she wanted to expose the actual summaries, but she _also_ didn't want to break into her best friend's house. She hesitated, before saying, "Well…I do…"

* * *

When Hermione proposed the whole idea to Harry and Ginny, they doubled over, barely able to stop laughing.

" _Malfoy?_ Liking _Muggle_ books?" cackled Ginny, leaning onto her boyfriend for support.

"Are you _sure,_ Mione?" wheezed Harry, looking at Hermione.

"Well...not entirely, but there are some elements out there to suggest that _Malfoy_ is the one producing the summaries and giving them to you via Lina."

"...But there's no direct proof?" asked Ginny, raising an eyebrow.

"Just a couple of clues," said Hermione. "Annabeth told me I should look into him as a suspect, and I did by accusing him of it in order to see his reaction. He, along with Lina...they were _both_ so defensive! It was as if they were hiding something!"

Ginny looked quickly at Harry, before snickering, "Imagine if we actually caught him reading them after all this time…"

"Dear Merlin," agreed Harry, chortling.

"So are you lot in? Let's expose Dralina?" asked Hermione.

"Depends, you're not actually going to make us read the book, right?" asked Harry.

Hermione gave him a withering look. "Well, since this is technically the last week...I suppose not, if you help me."

* * *

Later that week, in the evening, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny approached the cottage in which Lina shared with Malfoy.

"...Are you _sure_ this is a good idea?" asked Ron uncertainly.

"I want to expose them, they're hiding something," insisted Hermione.

"I just want to see if Malfoy _actually_ reads Muggle history," snorted Ginny.

Hesitantly, Hermione took the emergency key she had from her purse, and unlocked the door to the cottage. "Ron and I'll go in, if we all go in then we'll be detected easily. We need people to watch outside," she told them, and Harry and Ginny nodded.

She entered the house and pulled the Cloak over both Ron and herself.

They tiptoed into the living room, which was completely empty. They also tiptoed past the small kitchen, in which Eloise was skipping and happily humming a tune while cooking something that smelled delicious.

Hermione still disapproved of them owning an elf, but once it became clear that a) Eloise was being treated well, b) the thought of leaving _terrified_ Eloise, and c) the couple themselves made it clear to her that they weren't going to get rid of Eloise, Hermione knew she couldn't really do anything about it.

The house was still quiet, besides Eloise. _Maybe Lina and Malfoy weren't home?_ She felt awful for doing this, maybe she should go back…she tiptoed up the stairs, where the door to the main bedroom was open.

They slowly peeked in, and her eyes widened. There was Malfoy himself, _completely_ immersed in the latest book, _The Right Stuff_ by Tom Wolfe. He looked genuinely interested in the book as well, with a piece of parchment besides him. Next to him, Lina was painting her nails. Ron smirked, unable to contain himself, and pulled out a camera to snapshot the scene forever. They then entered the room, taking off the Invisibility Cloak.

The couple on the bed screamed and jumped, Malfoy's book falling flat on his face, and Lina messing up her nail design.

"Hermione, Ron, how did you get _in_ here?" exclaimed Lina, horrified.

"This is _literally_ breaking and entering, you know," shot Malfoy angrily.

"So _you_ were the one writing the summaries, and now there's proof," said Hermione triumphantly. "There's no denying it, I saw you with the book!"

"And you had to _break in_ to our house?" asked Lina, aghast. "We could've been doing private things, for all you knew! How'd you like it if Draco and I broke into yours -"

"It was Hermione's plan, I swear!" said Ron quickly, eager to get as far away from the couple's anger as possible.

"Now _Granger_ knows that I like Muggle history books, great!" Malfoy huffed, looking at Lina as if it's her fault.

"It's not necessarily a bad thing -" interjected Hermione brightly, but was ignored.

"Draco, it's not _my_ fault that she's batshit crazy!" retorted Lina, flustered.

"Well, I wouldn't have _had_ to read the Muggle history books if it weren't for the bet, and she'd never have known-"

"Oh come off it, you told me that you were _happy_ this bet happened because you enjoyed the books so much!"

"Did he _really?"_

" _You two,"_ snarled Lina, whirling so she faced them with an outstretched hand. "Give me your so-called _emergency key."_

They hesitated, but under her glare, they quickly handed the key over, thinking it best to not inform her that Harry, who also had an emergency key, was outside.

"Good. Now get out," she ordered coldly, and they left quickly.

Hermione and Ron could now hear Lina and Malfoy, completely flustered, continuing to argue heatedly and loudly about the whole situation, as well as the audacity of 'those two' breaking and entering.

* * *

 _three weeks later (they no longer have to go to the Muggle history club anymore)._

After a long day at work in the Auror's office, Lina arrived home, opening the door. Her eyes widened immediately at the sight she saw. There was Draco, reading yet another Muggle history book - in fact, it was the one Hermione was now on! - and there was a parchment of questions next to him.

"...Draco, you do _realize_ the bet is over, correct? And that we didn't go last week?" asked Lina, raising an eyebrow.

He sighed, deeply. "Lina, I...well, you see, I...I've been asking...Granger...to let me know what the next book is...I can't help it, flower!" he practically wailed in desperation, looking down at the book, and then up at her again.

Trying not to laugh, Lina went over and comforted her boyfriend about his _dilemma._

* * *

 **a/n: i hope this was enjoyable xx**

 **please r &r :)**

 **-ana**


	10. green apples & chocolate bars (for lily)

**green apples and chocolate bars**

 **a/n: yes, this is indeed CRACK and not to be taken seriously. it's the quarantine, so any fic goes by this point, yeah? for lily because i love her. celia, i know you didn't want me to write spinoff crack,,, please forgive me love. and still be friends with me. i rlly love you. just skip this if you want sksksksk**

* * *

Draco Malfoy and Lina Quimby loved each other. Or so, everyone thought. The cold, hard, truth were that neither of them were faithful to one another.

They both were having secret affairs with other people. Draco loved his sweet Green Apple more than anything, including his girlfriend, and Lina definitely loved her Chocolate Bar more than her boyfriend.

But you know, apparently each other was the next best thing as technically "you should not be having relationships with food."

 _Who_ created these stupid rules anyways?

* * *

"Isn't this a lovely date?" asked Lina. "I know Draco won't be here for a couple hours, so we can sit back and enjoy this."

Her Chocolate Bar sat across from her in silence.

"You look so hot over there, my sweet Chocolate," she sighed dreamily, waving her hands as if it were hot in the room. "If only my boyfriend was as hot as you are. More Firewhiskey, dearest?"

Her Chocolate Bar did not answer her as she got up and poured more Firewhiskey in the cup anyways.

"Easy, you don't want to drink too much," advised Lina. "Take it from me."

Her Chocolate Bar _still_ did not answer her.

"Here, have some more tea cookies, love," Lina said, placing them on the plate of her beloved bar. "Work has been _so_ stressful recently, and pretending I truly love Draco when it's you that I truly love. You know, sweet Chocolate, I think you're the only one that'll ever truly understand me. Let's have a dance before _he_ gets back."

She got ballroom music to play in the house, and she went to pick up her sweet bar, holding it with both hands, swaying around the room.

"Oh, _I love you,"_ she told her bar passionately, kissing it and breathing in its savory, milk chocolate smell. " _How I love you!"_

* * *

Green Apple in hand, Draco hummed and entered the Leaky Cauldron. He took an empty table, ignoring the stares people were giving him. He'd lied and told Lina that he'd be out for two hours more than he had to, so he could have some quality time with his beloved Green Apple.

First, they'd have dinner in the Leaky Cauldron, and then they'd shop for clothes.

"What can I get for you?" a waiter approached him.

"I'll take two cocktails and two sandwiches," he said promptly.

"Two?" asked the waiter.

"They're for my girlfriend," he lied easily to the waiter. "She's not feeling too well, so I'm taking them home to her."

"Oh," said the waiter, nodding in understanding. "Do send Lina my well-wishes."

"Of course," said Draco, as the waiter left. "I'm sorry that I had to lie to them, my love," he added to his Green Apple, "But they don't understand you as I do. My Apple. My sweet, _sweet_ Apple! Words can't explain how much I love you."

The food arrived, and Draco started to eat his share, leaving his Apple's untouched. "Are you enjoying your food, love?" he asked.

The Apple did not answer him. At least his beloved Green Apple didn't argue with him, unlike his so-called girlfriend. And she was so pretty too, glittering in the light. It was clear that she wasn't hungry, however, so he put his Apple's food away for later.

Then they went shopping in clothing stores. "How do I look?" Draco asked his Apple in the fitting room, preening so it could get a good view of his outfit.

The Apple didn't say anything.

"I'll take that as a yes," beamed Draco, picking up his shiny Apple and kissing it. He bought his love a baby outfit that would fit, before he took a breath, deciding that he'd better go home.

* * *

Lina panicked when she heard someone arriving home. She quickly silenced the music, and stripped the table so it didn't look like she'd been on a candlelit date, hurrying to the kitchen to put everything away.

"I'm home, flower," called Draco's voice. She went back out to greet him, and fetch her Chocolate Bar, but her eyes widened.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?" she snarled at him, noticing that her precious Bar was now gone.

"Eating...you said that I can eat the bars, flower," he said confused.

"Not _that_ one!" she wailed. "That one is - _was -_ special! You _ate_ the love of my life, what is wrong with you?"

"The love of your -"

"Don't think I don't know that you've been cheating on me with your _Apple!"_ she accused hotly, pointing at him. "That's right, I've known for a while now, and the only reason I let it slide is so I can be with my Bar without being judged! But now...you ate him. You _ate_ him!"

"What're you going to do, eat _mine?"_ he asked her, knowing that she was most likely going to do far worse.

"No," said Lina, her eyes glittering maniacally. "But how would you, Draco Lucius Malfoy, like to love your precious Apple without being judged?"

"I would love it," he said passionately, holding it out. "I would love it very much."

"Very well then," announced Lina. She waved her wand once, and now Draco was no more. There was not one, but _two,_ apples sitting in front of her.

" _Much_ better," she said simply. She placed the two Apples in her fruit decoration bowl, before grabbing another Chocolate Bar out of the pantry to get to know. It wouldn't be the same, but perhaps it could fill the hole in her heart.

* * *

 **a/n: i'm...sorry. here are everyone's eyes back. also idk if you can actually transfigure humans into food but crack usually doesn't make sense so yeah. uh.**

 **please… r &r? **

**-ana**


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